proofreading: personal statement

[TobbeL]

Hi folks,

would be great if someone is willing to invest some of his time to read and correct my personal statement. I havent finished it yet, but I will add the missing parts after I´ve completed it. I havent written too many personal statements yet, so every help is appreciated. Im even not sure whether I should write it in first or third person.

kind regards

Tobi


The goal of my bachelor program ‘Industrial Engineering’ is to provide an interdisciplinary teaching: building the metaphorical bridge between business and technics.
Still, all knowledge seems to be worthless facing linguistical limits. Language is the key to comprehension. Deepening this key qualification is my primary motive for my application for a semester abroad.

Personally speaking, the meaning of a study abroad program is really widespreaded. It gives the opportunity to explore a foreign country in a whole new and unique way.
Allowing to take a deep look at the mentality and cultural differences. By what one will sharpen his intercultural competence. Furthermore it sensitizes the own sense of tolerance as well. Each of these two attributes is highly valuable for a prospective career and not less relevant for the personal development. Especially in a steady transforming society.

A semester abroad is, besides the career aspects, also a huge step for the personal development. A step towards independency. In my believe the United States of America are the best choice to gain this experience. There are already a lot of positive memories I associate with the USA, which I have gained during my work´n´travel stay in Washington, D.C.

[Delfino]

Industrial Engineering is the branch of engineering that deals with
the creation and management of systems that integrate people, materials and energy in productive ways. [wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn]

Personal statement

The main objective of my bachelor program ‘Industrial Engineering’ is to provide an interdisciplinary understanding: building the metaphorical bridge between business and technology.
I think language is the key to comprehension. All knowledge seems to be worthless when you are hold back / limited by your linguistic skills. Deepening this key qualification is my primary motivation for my application for a semester at your university.

Personally speaking, my reasons for participating in a study-abroad program are manifold / diverse. It will give / provide me with the opportunity to explore a foreign country in a unique way.
Allowing me to take a closer look at the American mentality and cultural differences. So I will improve my intercultural competence. Furthermore, I might experience situations that sensitizes my sense of tolerance (towards others). An increase in each of these attributes will be highly valuable in a prospective career and not less relevant for my personal development - especially in a steadily / continuously transforming society.

(I am convinced that) besides these career aspects a semester abroad will also be a significant step in my personal development. A step towards independence. I believe the United States of America are the best choice to gain further experience. I associate the USA with a lot of positive memories, which I have gained during my work´n´travel in Washington, D.C.

You might also want to state what you bring to the table (your skills, knowledge ... => why they should choose you) and not only your expectations.

[tiorthan]

when you are held back

especially in a steadily / continuously transforming society.

In my oppinion, continuously fits better, steadily somehow leaves the impression of a rather quiet "flow" of change or a transformation towards a purpose or so, whereas continuously would mean no two moments are the same. And in my experience, life is rather not like the further.

[Delfino]

@tiorthan
Thank you for correcting my mistakes. Very well spotted as always...