Brauche Hilfe beim Verbessern meiner Story :)

[Enchanting.]

Hallo!

Für übermorgen soll ich in meinem Englisch- LK eine kurze Geschichte schreiben. [Im Moment lesen wir das Buch "13 reasons why" und sollen dazu eine kleine Story zum Thema "Hanna's old school" schreiben. Übrigens wer das Buch nicht kennt, sollte es sich mal anschauen, es ist großartig (: !]
Auf jedem Fall bin ich eine ziemliche Niete im schriftlichem Bereich und übersehe gerne Fehler [vor allem grammatikalische], hoffe hier könnte der Ein oder Andere über meinen text drüber schauen und wenigstens die größten Fehler korrigieren ( alles wäre natürlich auch nicht schlecht )

Hannah Baker’s old school.
Before Hannah moved to the new town she visits the Stanford Junior High from the 7 to 8 grade. At first the girl was excited about that, because the school- district was big and she felt like an adult. She had have three amazing best friends, thought she was ready for things like boyfriends, first kisses and could not await the miracle of life. At first everything was great, the thirteen year old was in vogue, cheerleader and good at school, but some day she met Lauren McKenzie and after they became friends everything change. Lauren was a pretty girl with blue eyes and dark hair. She seemed to be older than her schoolmates and a mysterious aura compassed her, also she was in need of a bra. However in fact she was one of the youngest and one of the worst. All time Hannah was nice to her, fascinating and afraid of her at the same time, like everybody in her class. Though her maths teacher concluded that Lauren and Hannah should elaborate a project together and from that day they started to like each other. Unfortunately Lauren was not very good for Hannah and her friends reputation, marks and the relationship to their parents. The wannabe adult ditched school, hung out with older guys and was on the best way to became a punk. But Hannah and her best friends felt so cool while hanging out with Lauren and so they also started to ditched school and became friends with peculiarly dressed people. One of Hannah’s closest friends, Cindy, had actually go to summer school, because her marks were too bad. Nevertheless they were inseparable friends for over one year. And then Hannah started to notice how they all had change. They became crazy, mediocre, title bitches and Hannah got afraid of this. The other girls got their first kiss already and two of them got even a real boyfriend. But for Hannah it was kind of too fast, she did not feel like being ready for this. Therefore, after her thirteenth birthday, she braked up any contact between her and the girls. However everything was broke. Her teacher distrusted her every time, her marks were a mess and her parent talked to her like she was a stranger. In fact no one could like her anymore and she knew that this all was her fault. Sometimes she tried to talk to Cindy and the others again, but no one listened to her. So at the day her parents told her, that hey are going to move away she felt like the most happiest girl of the world again, because she got a second chance. A chance for making everything better, a chance to left the rumours and her reputation behind, a chance to find new, real friends. Yes, Hannah Baker was one of the most happiest girls …

Vielen, vielen, vielen Dank schon Mal !!

[joy]

Hallo!

Für übermorgen soll ich in meinem Englisch- LK eine kurze Geschichte schreiben. [Im Moment lesen wir das Buch "13 reasons why" und sollen dazu eine kleine Story zum Thema "Hanna's old school" schreiben. Übrigens wer das Buch nicht kennt, sollte es sich mal anschauen, es ist großartig (: !]
Auf jedem Fall bin ich eine ziemliche Niete im schriftlichem Bereich und übersehe gerne Fehler [vor allem grammatikalische], hoffe hier könnte der Eine oder Andere über meinen Text drüber schauen und wenigstens die größten Fehler korrigieren ( alles wäre natürlich auch nicht schlecht )

Hannah Baker’s old school.
Before Hannah moved to the new town she was attending the 7th and 8th grade of Stanford Junior High School from the 7 to 8 grade. At first the girl was excited about that, because the school district was big and she felt like an adult. She had have three amazing best friends, thought she was ready for things like boyfriends, first kisses and could not await the miracle of life. At first everything was great, the thirteen year old was in vogue, cheerleader and good at school, but some day she met Lauren McKenzie and after they became friends everything changed. Lauren was a pretty girl with blue eyes and dark hair. She seemed to be older than her schoolmates and an mysterious aura of mystery (compassed kenne ich nicht?) shrouded / sorrounded) her, also she was in need of a bra (und die anderen noch nicht, oder wie muss ich das verstehen?). However in fact she was one of the youngest and one of the worst. All the time Hannah was nice to her, fascinated and afraid of her at the same time, like everybody in her class. Though her maths teacher concluded that Lauren and Hannah should elaborate a project together and from that day they started to like each other. Unfortunately Lauren was not very good for Hannah and her friend's reputation, marks and the relationship to their parents. The wannabe adult ditched school, hung out with older guys and was on the best way to become a punk. But Hannah and her best friends felt so cool while hanging out with Lauren and so they also started to ditched school and became friends with peculiarly dressed people. One of Hannah’s closest friends, Cindy, was actually attending the summer school, because her marks were too bad. Nevertheless they were inseparable friends for over one year. And then Hannah started to notice how they all had changed. They became crazy, mediocre, was titled bitches and Hannah got afraid of this. The other girls got their first kiss already and two of them got even a real boyfriend. But for Hannah it was kind of too fast, she did not feel like being ready for this. Therefore, after her thirteenth birthday, she broke up any contact with her and the girls. Well, actually everything was broken. Her teacher distrusted her at that time, her marks were a mess? (bad?) and her parent talked to her as if she was a stranger. In fact no one could like her anymore and she knew that this all was her fault. Sometimes she tried to talk to Cindy and the others again, but no one listened to her. So at the day her parents told her, that they were going to move away she felt like the most happiest girl in the world again, because she got a second chance. A chance for making everything better, a chance to left the rumours and her reputation behind, a chance to find new, real friends. Yes, Hannah Baker was one of the most happiest girls …

Vielen, vielen, vielen Dank schon Mal !!

[joy]

Im zweitletzten Satz ist noch ein kleiner Fehler:

A chance for making everything better, a chance to leave the rumours and her reputation behind, a chance to find new, real friends.

Gruss
joy

[Duckduck (Contributor)]

Hallo!

Für übermorgen soll ich in meinem Englisch- LK eine kurze Geschichte schreiben. [Im Moment lesen wir das Buch "13 reasons why" und sollen dazu eine kleine Story zum Thema "Hanna's old school" schreiben. Übrigens wer das Buch nicht kennt, sollte es sich mal anschauen, es ist großartig (: !]
Auf jedem Fall bin ich eine ziemliche Niete im schriftlichem Bereich und übersehe gerne Fehler [vor allem grammatikalische], hoffe hier könnte der Eine oder Andere über meinen Text drüber schauen und wenigstens die größten Fehler korrigieren ( alles wäre natürlich auch nicht schlecht )

Ich schau auch noch mal nach, OK?! Hannah Baker’s old school.
Before Hannah moved to the new town she had been attending the 7th and 8th grade of Stanford Junior High (School) from the 7 to 8 grade. At first, the girl had been excited about that, because the school district was big and she felt like an adult. She had have three amazing "best friends", thought she was ready for things like boyfriends, the first kiss and could not await the miracle of life. At first everything was great, the thirteen-year-old was "in" vogue, she was a cheerleader and good at school. But one day she met Lauren McKenzie andeverything changed after they had become friends. Lauren was a pretty girl with blue eyes and dark hair. She seemed to be older than her schoolmates and an mysterious aura of mystery encompassed/shrouded / sorrounded) her. And she already needed a bra! Although in fact she was one of the youngest, she was also one of the worst. From the start Hannah was nice to her, intrigued by and afraid of her at the same time, like everybody else in her class. Then one day their maths teacher decided that Lauren and Hannah should work on a project together. From that day on they started to like each other. Unfortunately, Lauren proved to be neither very good for Hannah and her friend's reputation nor for their marks and the relationship to their respective parents. The wannabe adult ditched school, hung out with older guys and was on the best way to become a punk. But Hannah and her best friends felt so cool while hanging out with Lauren and so they also started to ditched school and became friends with peculiarly dressed people. One of Hannah’s closest friends, Cindy, actually had to attend the summer school, because her marks were too bad. Nevertheless, they were inseparable friends for over one year. And then Hannah started to notice how they all had changed. They became crazy, mediocre, were called bitches and Hannah got afraid of this. The other girls had been kissed by guys already and two of them even had a steady boyfriend. But for Hannah all that was kind of too fast, she did not feel prepared/old enough for this. Therefore, after her thirteenth birthday, she broke off contact with Lauren and the girls. Well, actually everything got broken then. Her teachers did not trust her at all anymore, her marks were a mess and her parents talked to her as if she was a stranger. In fact, no one liked her anymore and she knew that all of thiswas only her own fault. Sometimes she tried to talk to Cindy and the others again, but no one listened to her. So on the day her parents told her that they were going to move away she felt extremely happy, because this would give her a second chance. A chance to make everything better/improve her ways, a chance to leave the rumours and her bad reputation behind, a chance to find new, real friends. Yes, Hannah Baker was one of the most happiest girls …

Vielen, vielen, vielen Dank schon Mal !!

Huhu!
Also, was mir auffällt ist, dass die Sprache sehr stark variiert - vom Sprachstil/Sprachniveau her. Ich nehme an, Du hast teilweise aus dem Buch übernommen und teilweise im Wörterbuch nachgeschaut? Das würde diese Abweichungen erklären. Um nicht den ganzen Text umzuschreiben, denn es soll ja Dein Text bleiben, habe ich das so belassen. Aber vielleicht solltest Du da nochmal rübergucken und es in die eine oder andere Richtung angleichen? Was will der Lehrer?

Grüße, auch an joy, von
Duckduck

[Enchanting.]

Vielen Dankl
Ihr habt mir wirklich geholfen


@ Duckduck: Ich habe aus dem Buch nichts übernommen, weil in dem Roman von ihrer alten Schule nichts erwähnt wird, aber ich musste teilweise stark auf Wörterbücher zurückgreifen da ich mich nicht ständig wiederholen wollte :/

[joy]

Hannah Baker’s old school.
Before moving to the new town Hannah was attending the 7th and 8th grade of Stanford Junior High (School) from the 7 to 8 grade. At first, the girl was excited about that, because the school district was big and she felt like an adult.


Hi Duckduck
Schöne Korrektur, aber uch - diese Zeiten! Könnte man das "Past Perfect" nicht umgehen mit obigem Beispiel? Ich würde es passender finden, da sie ja am Ende der Geschichte noch nicht umgezogen ist. (Zumindest hier).

Es würde mich sehr interessieren, was du genau meinst mit dem Sprachstil. Könntest du das einmal, wenn nicht viel los ist und du Zeit und Musse hast, erläutern?  

Vielen Dank  
joy

[Duckduck (Contributor)]

Hannah Baker’s old school.
Before moving to the new town Hannah was attending the 7th and 8th grade of Stanford Junior High (School) from the 7 to 8 grade. At first, the girl was excited about that, because the school district was big and she felt like an adult.
Hi Duckduck
Schöne Korrektur, aber uch - diese Zeiten! Könnte man das "Past Perfect" nicht umgehen mit obigem Beispiel? Ich würde es passender finden, da sie ja am Ende der Geschichte noch nicht umgezogen ist. (Zumindest hier).

Liebe joy, aber ja doch! Du hast schon Recht. Es ist gerade beim Past Perfect so, dass man es heute weniger verpflichtend verwendet als noch vor Jahren. Ich hatte es nur vorgeschlagen, weil durch das "before" ja explizit auf die Vorzeitigkeit hingewiesen wird. Aber ich fange darum keinen "Streit" an. Es ist wirklich nicht verpflichtend.

Es würde mich sehr interessieren, was du genau meinst mit dem Sprachstil. Könntest du das einmal, wenn nicht viel los ist und du Zeit und Musse hast, erläutern? Aber gerne. Ich nehme dazu noch mal das Original, hier werde ich nicht korrigieren, sondern nur Beispiele anstreichen.Hannah Baker’s old school.
Before Hannah moved to the new town she visits the Stanford Junior High from the 7 to 8 grade. At first the girl was excited about that, because the school- district was big and she felt like an adult. She had have three amazing best friends, thought she was ready for things like boyfriends, first kisses and could not await the miracle of life. At first everything was great, the thirteen year old was in vogue, cheerleader and good at school, but some day she met Lauren McKenzie and after they became friends everything change. Lauren was a pretty girl with blue eyes and dark hair. She seemed to be older than her schoolmates and a mysterious aura compassed her, also she was in need of a bra. However in fact she was one of the youngest and one of the worst. All time Hannah was nice to her, fascinating and afraid of her at the same time, like everybody in her class. Though her maths teacher concluded that Lauren and Hannah should elaborate a project together and from that day they started to like each other. Unfortunately Lauren was not very good for Hannah and her friends reputation, marks and the relationship to their parents. The wannabe adult ditched school, hung out with older guys and was on the best way to became a punk. But Hannah and her best friends felt so cool while hanging out with Lauren and so they also started to ditched school and became friends with peculiarly dressed people. One of Hannah’s closest friends, Cindy, had actually go to summer school, because her marks were too bad. Nevertheless they were inseparable friends for over one year. And then Hannah started to notice how they all had change. They became crazy, mediocre, title bitches and Hannah got afraid of this. The other girls got their first kiss already and two of them got even a real boyfriend. But for Hannah it was kind of too fast, she did not feel like being ready for this. Therefore, after her thirteenth birthday, she braked up any contact between her and the girls. However everything was broke. Her teacher distrusted her every time, her marks were a mess and her parent talked to her like she was a stranger. In fact no one could like her anymore and she knew that this all was her fault. Sometimes she tried to talk to Cindy and the others again, but no one listened to her. So at the day her parents told her, that hey are going to move away she felt like the most happiest girl of the world again, because she got a second chance. A chance for making everything better, a chance to left the rumours and her reputation behind, a chance to find new, real friends. Yes, Hannah Baker was one of the most happiest girls …

Ich habe hier jetzt ein paar erhebliche Stilsprünge mal gekennzeichnet. Da ich das Buch nicht kenne, hatte ich angenommen, es sei vielleicht im "Teenager-Jargon" geschrieben und die Textstellen, die ich orange markiert habe, stammten daher. Die grün markierten Stellen finde ich aber zum Teil sehr hochgestochen und so kam mir der Gedanke, hier sei ein Wörterbuch ins Spiel gekommen. Dagegen ist überhaupt nichts zu sagen, natürlich, dafür sind die Dinger ja da. Aber es ist etwas schwierig, wenn man - ohne es zu merken - von Sprachebene zu Sprachebene surft.

Liebe Grüße
Duckduck
Vielen Dank
joy

[joy]

Vielen Dank Duckduck. Mmh - es sind genau die Sätze, die ich komisch fand. Scheinbar nicht umsonst und darum bin ich froh, dass du das mit der Stilrichtung erklärt hast.

Liebe Grüsse
joy

[Enchanting.]

Wie kann man diese Stil- Sprünge vermeiden?
Oder geht das nur mit schreiben, schreiben, schreiben ?
Ich liebe die englische Sprache, bin jedoch immer wieder deprimiert von meiner Unfähigkeit

[Duckduck (Contributor)]

Hi Enchanting.!

Also unfähig bist Du ja nun wirklich nicht! Ganz im Gegenteil! Du machst das sehr gut. Klar, es sind mal Fehler drin und Du hast noch Raum nach oben, aber das übt sich. Allerdings würde ich Dir neben schreiben, schreiben, schreiben vor allem lesen, lesen, lesen empfehlen. Denn das Gefühl für eine Sprache, also stilistisches Verständnis und irgendwann Sicherheit gewinnst Du durch Imitation von guten Texten. Das braucht Zeit, lohnt sich aber! Tröste Dich mit dem Gedanken, dass Du immerhin schon beim Stil angekommen bist, viele Menschen krebsen noch in den ganz unteren Bereichen der Basisgrammatik rum!

Weiter so!

Duckduck