I need your correction!

[R0b]

It would be great if someone could help me!

I have applied for this position because I want to strengthen my academic and practical skills in one of the most progressive companies. To get the best possible start in my career I want to gain international experience which improves prospects for my professional future and allows me to learn more about a foreign country as well.
It is important for me to do my practical placement at a leader in developing advanced technologies because the importance of efficient systems increases more and more. Furthermore, it would be interesting to receive an impression of a global business, which is active in the four big branches civil aerospace, defence aerospace, marine and energy. The variety of it makes them so interesting for me.


Thanks

[roseclub1511]

"because I want to" - as i would like to

"and allows me to learn more about a foreign country as well."
-and more over allows me to learn more about a foreign country


"The variety of it makes them so interesting for me"
Especially the variety of it arouses my interest.

[Delfino]

I am applying for this position as I would like to strengthen my academic and practical skills in one of the most innovative companies.
To get the best possible start in my career I want to gain international experience, which improves the prospects in my professional future and more over allows me to learn more about a foreign country.
It is important for me to do my practical placement at a leading company in the development of advanced technologies because the importance of efficient systems increases more and more.
Furthermore, it would be interesting to get an impression of a global business, which is active in these four big sectors civil aerospace, defence aerospace, marine and energy.
Especially the variety of it arouses my interest.

Try to use shorter sentences.

the development of advanced technologies the importance of efficient systems

How does that relate to you?
It is important for me...


Good luck.