bewerbung auf englisch verbesserungsvorschläge ??

[metti]

hey ich bräuchte mal nen paar verbesserungsvorschläge.
wäre nett wenn ihr mir helfen könntet.
also bis jetzt schauts so aus:

Dear Mr ......

When I read your advertisement for ......... in ........... , I noticed how well your requirements align with my career interests.
Therefore I am applying for the job of ......... .
First of all I want to give you some information about my person.
I am .. years old and of ....... nationality.
I have attended ........ since .... .
In ....... I hope to pass my examination.
I am applying for the job as ........ because .......... .
Enclosed you find my CV and copies of certificates.
I am sure my services would be useful to you.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours Sincerly
Metti

Könnt ihr noch was verbessern wäre super am besten heute noch.
Danke schonmal
Metti

[licorice_lilly]

hallo!

hab's mal überflogen und ein paar kleinigkeiten verändert... fand deine version aber schon sehr gut! in den klammern steht entweder das was du vorher geschrieben hattest oder meine anmerkungen, ich hoffe, du kommst klar...

Dear Mr ......

(When I read) Reading your job offer (advertisement is more of a marketing term but maybe you could also mention where you read about it…) for ......... in ........... , I noticed with interest how well your requirements match (align with) my career interests.
Therefore, I would like to apply as ......... . in your company.
First of all, (I want to – you should say I would like to but you used that one in the previous sentence already) let me give you some information about my person.
I am .. years old and my nationality is …...
I have attended ........ since .... and hope to
pass my examination in….
I am applying for the job as a ........ at (company’s name) because .......... .

Enclosed you can find my CV and copies of certificates.
I am sure my skills would be useful for your company.

I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely,
Metti

[CID]

"Enclosed please find..." or "Please find enclosed..." is more idiomatic and politer, IMHO

"I look forward to...." is more formal. In an application I would consider using that, depends on the company and the job though...