Another Essay (CAE Practise)

[Alexandra216]

Dear community, 
in order to prepare for the Cambridge Advanced Exam, I wrote an essay on the issue of what universities should do to help their students reduce stress. 
I would be grateful if there were someone to check on it and correct my mistakes (and maybe comment on my style of writing and the usage of vocabulary as well!)
Thank you in advance, Alexandra

Nowadays, almost every newspaper reports on issues like self-optimisation and perfectionism. Particulary students always seem to expose themselves to high levels of stress and pressure. But how can universities help to reduce the stress they experience? In this essay, I am going to consider two approaches which universities should adopt to tackle this problem. 

It is generally accepted that stressful situations often occur when students have to take an exam which they do not feel well prepared for. In this case, offering a structured revision timetable including all the important topics may help them to feel less stressed since they will not only get the possibility to check on their progress but the feeling that they are well prepared and due to that not likely to fail. 

Another promising method is to offer the students enough leisure time to relax and to participate in extra-curricular activities like doing sports. From a biologist's point of view, stress is considered an ancient evolutionary mechanism. After being exposed to a stressor, adrenaline rushes trough the blood vessels and activates the muscles in order to prepare the body for fighting or fleeing. Nowadays, students spend most of their time sitting and learning. They respond to increased stress levels neither by fleeing nor by fighting. As a result, the tension can not be degrated anymore - and this may lead to various symptoms such as headaches or neck pain. 

With this in mind, I would strongly recommend universities to offer students enough leisure time so that they can exercise on a regular basis in order to get along with stressful situations: Going jogging or playing tennis is a close imitation of the former biological concept of fleeing or fighting and thereby helps to reduce stress more effectively than just setting up a revision timetable could do, as this would only make students spend even more time at their desks. 

[Alyssea]

Nowadays, almost every newspaper reports on issues like self-actualisation and perfectionism. Students particularly always seem to expose themselves to high levels of stress and pressure. But how can universities help to reduce the stress students experience? In this essay, I am going to consider two approaches that universities should adopt to tackle this problem. 

It is generally accepted that stressful situations often occur when students have to take exams that they do not feel well-prepared for. In this case, offering a structured revision timetable including all the important topics may help them feel less stressed, since they will not only get the possibility to check on their progress, but they will also feel that they are well-prepared, and due to that, unlikely to fail. 

Another promising method is to offer the students enough leisure time to relax and participate in extracurricular activities like sports. From a biologist's point of view, stress is considered an ancient evolutionary mechanism. After being exposed to a stressor, adrenaline rushes through the blood vessels and activates the muscles in order to prepare the body for fighting or fleeing. In modern times, students spend most of their time sitting and learning. They respond to increased stress levels neither by fleeing nor fighting. As a result, the tension is not being released anymore--and this may lead to various symptoms such as headaches or neck pain. 

With this in mind, I would strongly recommend that universities offer students enough leisure time to exercise on a regular basis in order to relieve stress. (A colon makes this a rather long sentence, I would break it up with a period. Also, you don't capitalize the first word ("going") when you do use a colon.) Going jogging or playing tennis is a close imitation of the biological (I wouldn't say "former" since "fight or flight" is definitely an established concept where your heart rate rises, hormones are secreted, etc., even if people aren't actually fighting or fleeing now) concept of the fight-or-flight response (this is the official name for it, and you've used "fleeing or fighting" quite a few times, so I'd change the word choice up a bit.) and thereby helps to reduce stress more effectively than just setting up a revision timetable would, as that would only result in students spending even more time at their desks. 

I have no idea how CAE works (I'm American), but if you write more than one essay for it, I would vary your word choice more. I'm seeing a lot of repetitive things from your other essay like "with this in mind" and "nowadays," which on their own are perfectly fine, but likely would lose you points if they're in every essay.