eine Analyse

[sanane11]

Hallo , 
Ich habe hier eine Analyse zum Thema Biotechnologie geschrieben und hoffe, dass mir jemand sagen kann, was verbessert werden sollte oder könnte
Ich würde mich über jeden Verbesserungsvorschlag freuen. Ich würde mir auch freuen, wenn jemand sagen könnte wie mein Schreibstil ist bzw. ob der gut oder schlecht etc. ? 

 Die Aufgabenstellung habe ich mir selbst gegeben: Analyse the author's line of argument.

In his argumentative essay " The View from Ghana" by Dr. George Aquaah, a scientist and native of Ghana, discusses the benefits of biotechnology for the people living in Africa who have to face malnutrition ,chronic hunger and disease. His essay is targeted at the people living in the United States who have a critical view on biotechnology ,that is discussed to have side effects, and do not want scientist to produce genetically modified food .

At the beginning, Dr. George states that " [he sees] both the enormous challenges facing the people of Africa and the potential solutions" ( ll.1-2 ) to make ckear that speaking only about disadvantages is not right and the positive sides have to be taken into consideration, too.


Then he speaks about "children going blind from malnutrition and people dying from disease "( l. ) to firstly make the reader aware of the importance of biotechnology for Africa and it's people, and secondly appeal to the reader's emotion's by creating the image of children, who are dying because of the unavailibility of help; preventing starvation and giving food. 

Later, he states the fact, that he is a scientist and a native of Africa, at the one hand  to show he reader that he knows the arguments of both sides because he can switch  betweeb two perspectives,  to show that he is aware of the advantages and risks himself and at the other hand to make the reader rely on the author's seriousness.

Later on , Dr. George Aquaah claims that biotechnology " has [the] potential to help alleviate these problems [ malnutrition, disease and chronic hunger] that plague Africa and developing countries around the world ".Stating this fact encourages the reader to focus on the advantages of biotechnology in order to lessen the problems African's are confronted with ,and  no more concentrate on the disadvantages. 

Moreover the author  speaks about Vitamin A deficiency ,proving his statement by facts and figures, and stating that is causes " 1 million to 2 million childhood blindness and deaths each year" (ll. ). His use of huge figures makes him appear reliable and underline  how  important it is to help  African's by biotechnology.

After getting the focus of the reader, Dr. Aquaah claims a new type of rice called "golden rice" that is fortified through biotechnology with a special nutrient,to  be the  top-solution to the deficiency of Vitamin A that  leads to " childhood blindness" (l. ).


At the end, the author stresses another advantage of biotechnology; the possibility to develop "crops that can grow in difficult conditions like poor soil and extreme heat" (ll. ) and help farmers to grow more food before a Virus can destroy ( die Ernte ?) .

To sum up Dr Georg proves biotechnology as the top-solution to the many problems African's living in Africa have to face.


Ich würde mich sehr auf Rückmeldungen freuen .

[sanane11]

Ich glaube ich sollte den Text etwas kürzen glaube ich  :/. 

Oder sind da zu viele Fehler drin? 

[Schuyler]

In his argumentative essay, "The View from Ghana," by Dr. George Aquaah, a scientist and native of Ghana, discusses the benefits of biotechnology for the people living in Africa who have to face malnutrition, chronic hunger and disease. [Since you start with "in his essay," it makes more sense to use "Dr. George Aquaah" as the subject of the sentence instead of saying "(title) by Dr. George Aquaah" and then using "a scientist and native of Ghana" as the subject.] His essay is targeted at the people living in the United States who have a critical view on biotechnology [no comma] that is said to have side effects [no comma] and do not want scientists to produce genetically modified food.

At the beginning, Dr. George states that "[he sees] both the enormous challenges facing the people of Africa and the potential solutions" ( ll.1-2 ) to make it clear that speaking only about disadvantages is not the right way and that the positive sides have to be taken into consideration, too.


Then, he speaks about "children going blind from malnutrition and people dying from disease "( l. ) to, firstly, make the reader aware of the importance of biotechnology for Africa and its people, and secondly, to appeal to the reader's emotions by creating the image of children [no comma] who are dying because of the unavailability of help, such as preventing starvation by giving food. 

Later, he states the fact [no comma] that he is a scientist and a native of Africa -- on the one hand, to show the reader that he understands the arguments of both sides because he can see both perspectives and is aware of the advantages and risks himself, and on the other hand, to make the reader believe in the author's seriousness. [The phrase is "on one hand ... and/but on the other hand ..." There is (usually) no "the" in the first part.]

Later on, Dr. George Aquaah claims that biotechnology "has [the] potential to help alleviate these problems [malnutrition, disease and chronic hunger] that plague Africa and developing countries around the world." Stating this fact encourages the reader to focus on the advantages of biotechnology in order to lessen the problems Africans are confronted with and not concentrate on the disadvantages any longer. 

Moreover, the author speaks about vitamin A deficiency, proving his statement with facts and figures [no comma] and stating that it causes "1 million to 2 million childhood blindness and deaths each year" (ll. ). [Are you sure those are the exact words of the quote? I would think it should be "1 million to 2 million cases of childhood blindness and deaths each year."] His use of huge figures makes him appear reliable and underlines how important it is to help Africans with biotechnology.

After grabbing the focus of the reader, Dr. Aquaah claims a new type of rice called "golden rice," which is fortified through biotechnology with a special nutrient, to be the top solution to the deficiency of vitamin A that leads to "childhood blindness" (l. ).


At the end, the author stresses another advantage of biotechnology: the possibility to develop "crops that can grow in difficult conditions like poor soil and extreme heat" (ll. ) and help farmers to grow more food before a virus can destroy the crop. ( die Ernte ?) .

To sum up, Dr Georg proves biotechnology to be the top solution to the many problems Africans living in Africa have to face. [If you say "Africans," it is already implied that they live in Africa.]

I'm afraid I have been a little busy this week and haven't had a lot of time to spend online, but I've made some corrections for you now.

A few tips:

• 1. I have underlined every place where you used the author's name; you will notice that you call him something different every time. It is okay to say his full name at the beginning and then shorten it for the rest of the essay, but you should be consistent. You can use "Dr. George," "Dr. George Aquaah," "Dr. Aquaah," or "Dr Georg," but choose only one and stick with it for the entire essay. This is a situation where variety is not the best choice. In addition, I believe his last name is spelled Acquaah, isn't it?
  
  For the last version you used (Dr Georg,) note that you should not change the spelling of someone's name. "Georg" is one possible spelling, but if the author spells his name "George," you should also spell it that way and include the e at the end. The missing e here might have been a typo/auto-correct mistake, but I thought I would make a comment about it just in case.
  
  Finally, you also want to be consistent with how you write the abbreviation of "Doctor" and other titles. Depending on whether you are writing in American English or British English, abbreviations are punctuated differently. In Am. English, they are written with a period afterwards: Dr. George Acquaah. In Br. English, there is no period: Dr George Acquaah.
  
  
  2. Remember to pay attention to comma/punctuation rules. I think I have given you the link to this page before, but I am linking it again because I think you would find it helpful to really look over it and practice applying the rules to your writing. (And if there is something you do not understand, of course, you are welcome to ask for help.)
  
  I know these rules can be annoying to learn and might not seem like a big deal, but it truly is important to learn how to properly use commas and other punctuation marks so that your writing is easier to read and looks more professional. Sometimes a missing or extra comma can even change the meaning of the sentence completely. Keep in mind that comma usage in English is not identical to comma usage in German: you often need to use a comma in English where you would not use one in German, or visa versa.
  
  
  3. Lastly, you do not need to use an apostrophe every time you add an s to the end of a word: you only use an apostrophe with an s to show possession (ex. John's cat, Dr. George's essay. However, the possessive form of it is its; it's is the contraction for it is.)You do not use an apostrophe when forming plurals (ex. books, Africans.)