eine Nacherzählung :D

[sanane11]

Hallo, 
Ich bereite mich auf meine kommende Prüfung vor und habe hier einmal eine Nacherzählung geschrieben.Ich wäre sehr dankbar, wenn mir jemand diese hier korrigieren könnte 

Harriet and David, two young people first meat each other during a party. Soon after their first encounter they married and got children as they have dreamed of before. Both had the same dream of becoming a big and happy family but their dream turned into a nightmare. Harried and David got under big pressure ; David had to work a lot to earn the money  which was sufficient for his big family consisting of for children, him and his wife, wherea
s Harriet felt more and more unhappy with herself after giving birth to her babies and therefore  not being able to manage the household. In addition, the parents of this couple put immense pressure on them by critisizing them for their dream.  These circumstances lead the young parents to distance from each other more and more. 

After a while Harriet realizes that she is s going to have a fifth child and feels more and more unhappy and depressed. She let s her depression out at her children; screaming and hurting them. Harriet's mood gets worse and worse. Aknowledging that, her mother decides to support her daughter  and  starts to help her to keep the household. 
Being aware of her unability to take care of the  children and her husband  David, Harriet  creates an immense feeling of hate (?) towards her soon coming baby.
Her hate reaches its highest point after getting birth to him; she describes him as ugly, compares him with heavy animals like bears and makes him to a scapegoat for all problems in the house and bad happenings caused by her own behaviour

[Schuyler]

Harriet and David, two young people, first met each other during a party. Soon after their first encounter, they married and had children ["To have children" is an idiom and cannot be replaced with "got"], just as they have dreamed of before. [Before when? Before they were married or before they met each other?] Both had the same dream of becoming a big and happy family, but their dream turned into a nightmare. Harried and David came under great pressure; David had to work a lot to earn sufficient money for his big family, consisting of four children, him and his wife, while* Harriet felt more and more unhappy with herself after giving birth to her babies and, therefore, was not being able to manage the household. In addition, the parents of this couple put immense pressure on them by criticising [or "criticizing" in Am. English] them for their dream. These circumstances led the young parents to distance themselves from each other more and more. 

After a while, Harriet realized** that she was going to have a fifth child and felt more and more unhappy and depressed. She let her depression out at her children, screaming at and hurting them. Harriet's mood continued to worsen.*** Acknowledging that, her mother decided to support her daughter and started to help her to keep the household. 
Being Aware of her inability to take care of the children and her husband, David, Harriet built an immense feeling of hatred (?) towards her soon coming baby.
Her hatred reached its highest point after getting birth to the baby; she described him as ugly, compared him to heavy animals like bears and made him to a scapegoat for all problems in the household and the bad happenings caused by her own behaviour.

*Whereas is a conjunction used to compare two things, specifically in how they are different. In this way, it is similar in meaning to words like however, but, and although. In your sentence, you are not trying to show a contrast between David's and Harriet's problems, so whereas is not the best word. While or and would be a better choice. Note that while can have the same meaning as whereas, but it can also be used without the strong implication of a contrast: in this case, its meaning is closer to "similarly" or "at the same time that [David was working.]"

An example for when you would use whereas would be something like this: "Birds fly in the sky, whereas fish swim in the water."


**Remember to always be consistent with tenses: if you start writing a story in the past tense, you should not switch to present tense in the middle.


***I notice that you often say "worse and worse," "more and more," "less and less," and so on. There are many different ways to express this idea. I would recommend trying to vary your wording a little more so you don't use the same phrase all the time. For example, instead of "Her mood got worse and worse," you could say, "Her mood continued to worsen / get worse," "Her mood got worse every day," or "Her mood was constantly worsening."
Instead of "She felt more and more unhappy and depressed," you could say "she felt increasingly unhappy and depressed," "She became sadder and more depressed with each passing day," etc.

[sanane11]

Ich bedanke mich wirklich sehr für die ausführliche Korrektur . Das ist wirklich sehr effektiv 

Vielen Dank