Hallo ich muss für Englisch eine Kurzgeschichte schreiben und bin mit der Geschichte eigentlich fertig.
Jedoch wäre es nett wenn ihr kurz drüber schauen könnt was Grammatik betrifft. Ich muss dazu sagen ich bin nicht der Beste in Sprachen. Weder in Deutsch und erst Recht nicht in Englisch also seid bitte nicht so streng.
Nett wäre es auch wenn ihr mir allgemein Verbesserungsvorschläge geben könnt und einen Titel für die Geschichte ist mir auch noch nicht eingefallen. Vielen Dank schon mal.
It was already nine o'clock when the door bell rang. James was very worried because his daughter Amanda wasn't still at home. Normally she arrived at home by six o'clock after she finished her football training. But this evening was everything different. He already waited for hours and asked the parents of her friends if they knew something. But nobody could say him something about the whereabouts of his daughter. Now someone was standing at this late time in front of his door and waited that he opens it. When it rang the second time, it tore him from his thoughts and he moved toward the door. He took a deep breath, tried to stay cool and opened the door. In front of him stood a policeman with a severe face. He greeted James friendly and asked to be allowed to enter. James guess already what the man wanted to tell him and was paralyzed. “I'm sorry that I have to tell you this but we have found your daughter Amanda dead” said the policeman in a calm accent. But James had turned off long ago. He was in his own world and didn't noticed anything else from the reality. After the policeman had gone he sat in his car and drove off. He didn't know where he drove actually, but he had to get away. Away from his house, the memories and the pain. He was so angry and sad at the same time that he didn't know what to do. He only drove. He drove faster and faster carried by the rage which was in him. He made his self accusations and gave himself the fault. Suddenly his mobile phone rang. He answered it and the policeman was on the phone. He told him that it was a false report, his fellows confounded his daughter Amanda with a dead child. Right in this moment a child crossed the street. But it was too late to brake. James was beside himself and got out of his car to help the kid. But the child wasn't just any child. It was his presumed dead daughter Amanda.
Short Story - Hilfe benötigt
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Mirela
Re: Short Story - Hilfe benötigt
Hi, MyNameDunno,
hier ein paar Vorschläge von mir(Für den Fall, dass sich kein anderer hier im Forum meldet , und du die kurze Geschichte dingend brauchst):
It was already nine o'clock when the door bell rang. James was very worried because his daughter Amanda wasn't at home yet. Normally she got home at(oder "about") six o'clock after her football training. But this evening everything was different because she hasn't shown up.He had already been waiting for hours and had asked the parents of her friends if they knew something. But they couldn't tell him anything about the whereabouts of his daughter.
And now, someone was standing outside his front door at this late hour , and wanted him to open it. The second ting brouth him back to reality. He took a deep breath, tried to stay calm, and opened the door. There was a policeman. The look on his face was grave. He greeted him friendly.(Bis hier habe ich ein paar Sachen weggelassen , und kurze Sätze geschrieben damit ich den Ernst der Situation betonen kann.) James thought he knew already what the man was going to tell him. He was standing there as if paralysed. “I'm sorry to bring you such terrible news about your daughter. She is dead." said the policeman with a sad voice. But James has already turned off. He wasn't capable to react normaly anymore.
After the policeman had gone, he got into his car and drove off. He didn't know where he was actually driving, but he had to go away. Away from his house, the memories and the pain. He was angry and sad at the same time .He didn't know what he was doing. He was just driving. Driving faster and faster, carried by the rage which consumed him. He was making self - accusations .
Suddenly his mobile phone rang. The policeman was on the phone. He told him about a mistake, a false report. His fellow policeman confounded his daughter Amanda with another child.
At this very moment a child was crossing over. But it was too late to brake. James got out of his car and approched the child. But the child wasn't just any child.
It was his daughter. Amanda.
So, fertig.
Ich habe mein bestes gegeben, weil ich dir helfen möchte, aber, ich kann(leider) nicht garantieren, dass meine Korrektur keine Fehler hat.
Es ist deine Entscheidung.
Weil du nicht nur eine Korrektur haben wolltest, sondern auch Vorschläge, habe ich deine Geschichte ein bisschen geändert.
"A tragic incident", könntest du als Titel schreiben.
Es gefällt mir , dass du dich bemüht hast. Du hast geschafft mich zu schockieren(Als Mutter von zwei Kindern ist mir nicht leicht gefallen so eine Geschichte zu lesen). Aber.... eine gute Erzählung ist nicht immer fröhlich.
Kopf hoch, du hast deine Sache gut gemacht!
Mirela
hier ein paar Vorschläge von mir(Für den Fall, dass sich kein anderer hier im Forum meldet , und du die kurze Geschichte dingend brauchst):
It was already nine o'clock when the door bell rang. James was very worried because his daughter Amanda wasn't at home yet. Normally she got home at(oder "about") six o'clock after her football training. But this evening everything was different because she hasn't shown up.He had already been waiting for hours and had asked the parents of her friends if they knew something. But they couldn't tell him anything about the whereabouts of his daughter.
And now, someone was standing outside his front door at this late hour , and wanted him to open it. The second ting brouth him back to reality. He took a deep breath, tried to stay calm, and opened the door. There was a policeman. The look on his face was grave. He greeted him friendly.(Bis hier habe ich ein paar Sachen weggelassen , und kurze Sätze geschrieben damit ich den Ernst der Situation betonen kann.) James thought he knew already what the man was going to tell him. He was standing there as if paralysed. “I'm sorry to bring you such terrible news about your daughter. She is dead." said the policeman with a sad voice. But James has already turned off. He wasn't capable to react normaly anymore.
After the policeman had gone, he got into his car and drove off. He didn't know where he was actually driving, but he had to go away. Away from his house, the memories and the pain. He was angry and sad at the same time .He didn't know what he was doing. He was just driving. Driving faster and faster, carried by the rage which consumed him. He was making self - accusations .
Suddenly his mobile phone rang. The policeman was on the phone. He told him about a mistake, a false report. His fellow policeman confounded his daughter Amanda with another child.
At this very moment a child was crossing over. But it was too late to brake. James got out of his car and approched the child. But the child wasn't just any child.
It was his daughter. Amanda.
So, fertig.
Ich habe mein bestes gegeben, weil ich dir helfen möchte, aber, ich kann(leider) nicht garantieren, dass meine Korrektur keine Fehler hat.
Es ist deine Entscheidung.
Weil du nicht nur eine Korrektur haben wolltest, sondern auch Vorschläge, habe ich deine Geschichte ein bisschen geändert.
"A tragic incident", könntest du als Titel schreiben.
Es gefällt mir , dass du dich bemüht hast. Du hast geschafft mich zu schockieren(Als Mutter von zwei Kindern ist mir nicht leicht gefallen so eine Geschichte zu lesen). Aber.... eine gute Erzählung ist nicht immer fröhlich.
Kopf hoch, du hast deine Sache gut gemacht!
Mirela
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MyNameDunno
Re: Short Story - Hilfe benötigt
Sehr sehr sehr sehr sehr sehr vielen Dank! Sry, dass ich jetzt erst antworte. Hatte es immer wieder vergessen. Bis jetzt. Habe diese Woche meine Short Story rausgekriegt hatte 15 MSS Punkte (1+). Ich war genauso sprachlos wie meine Mitschüler 
einfach unglaublich. Vielen Dank!
einfach unglaublich. Vielen Dank!