Short Story - Tennis Drama

[billabong97]

Hallo zusammen,

Ich muss für den Englischunterricht eine Short Story schreiben (Umfang= eine A4 Seite). Ich habe sie soweit fertig geschrieben. Nur habe ich noch ein Problem mit dem Ende. Es soll ja offen sein, aber möglicherweise ist mein Ende zu offen (?)
Vielen Dank für Eure Kritik!

Tennis Drama
“BOOM!” Aaron smashes the racket on the ground, he just lost the second set. I’m leading the match with 2 sets to love. There’s only one set remaining for me to win this match.
“Calm down Aaron, it’s not the end of the world and the racket is too expensive to be destroyed.”
“Shut up Ben! It’s easy for you to say that since you’re trashing me with your tennis all the time!” he said with his funny Scottish accent.
Aaron and I know each other for more than sixteen years, we went together to school until the secondary school and now I’m studying medicine at Harvard and Aaron works as a bricklayer. Aaron is completely the opposite of me. When I’m in trouble I try to solve the problems calmly and without freaking out. But Aaron is very choleric, if there’s a big problem to solve or when he’s losing a tennis match like today, he starts immediately to lose his mind, he throws things around and shouts a lot.
“Come on Aaron, let’s finish the match.” Aaron threw his bottle of water on the ground and walked to the service line. He was determined to win at least one set. But that set turned nearly to a life-changing disaster.
He served and won the first game easily without dropping any point. I won my serving game easily as well. In the third game of the third set I made him run all over the court and finished the point with a magisterial drop shot. The reward for this point were two break balls. Aaron lost a fuse and had enough. He literally exploded, he smashed his racket on the court three times until it broke, then threw it with all his force in my direction.
I saw the racket rotate around its axis three times in slow motion. Then everything went dark.
I woke up with a bleeding nose and a bumping head on a chair near the court. “Wha…what happened? Where am I?” Nobody gave me an answer. There wasn’t anybody!
I was left on my own bleeding like a flow beside the courts. Could that be real? Yes, it’s effectively not a dream. By the way where’s Aaron?
I remembered that I played tennis with Aaron and I saw the slow motion clip of the rotating racket again. Everything was clear now. Aaron, my pseudo loyal friend, who I knew for more than sixteen years flee away.
I looked around me, saw a pool of blood on the sand court and just beside the shattered racket. I decided to stand up in order to get some help.
The tennis center was strangely empty. All the courts were empty. The sun started to get down. The sky’s color turned to an apocalyptic-like red.
I walked around the whole tennis court complex in the hope that I found someone to look after me and to decide if I need an ambulance or not. And I needed absolutely a towel to wipe the blood off my face. Suddenly, on the side where the complex is just next to a forest, I saw something that looked like a man wearing a black overall. It had its back turned to me so I couldn’t identify whether it was a man, a woman or something else.
I approached the indeterminate thing. I stopped abruptly in an arm-length distance of the thing because it turned very slow to my direction.
“He…Hello?” I stuttered. We were face to face. In the right hand it had a big hammer and on the face there was a joker mask. I couldn’t determine if it was a man or a woman. It puffed loudly. It was very scary. I didn’t have any communication object.
So I wanted to run away and shout for help but something in my mind stopped me. I was standing rooted to the spot. In the meantime the darkness took over the luminosity.
It advanced in my direction; two, three, four steps. Something blocked me I nearly died of fear. All of a sudden its movements got faster, it threw away the hammer and it snatched the mask away off the face.
It was my older sister Roxanna. “What are you doing Ben, is that your disguise for Halloween?“
“No it’s not funny. Aaron had a fury and threw the racket in my face. He nearly threw me into the hospital.”

[Schuyler]

Tennis Drama
“BOOM!” Aaron smashed the racket on the ground because he had just lost the second set. I was leading the match with 2 sets to love. There was only one set remaining for me to win this match. [The rest of the story is written in past tense, so this part should be, too.]
“Calm down, Aaron, it’s not the end of the world, and the racket is too expensive to be destroyed.”
“Shut up, Ben! It’s easy for you to say that, since you’re trashing me with your tennis all the time!” he said with his funny Scottish accent.
Aaron and I have known each other for more than sixteen years. We went to school together until the secondary school, and now I’m studying medicine at Harvard and Aaron works as a bricklayer. Aaron is completely the opposite of me. When I’m in trouble, I try to solve the problems calmly and without freaking out. But Aaron is very choleric: if there’s a big problem to solve or when he’s losing a tennis match like today, he immediately starts to lose his mind. He throws things around and shouts a lot.
“Come on, Aaron, let’s finish the match.” Aaron threw his bottle of water on the ground and walked to the service line. He was determined to win at least one set. But that set nearly turned into a life-changing disaster.
He served and won the first game easily without dropping any point. I won my serving game easily as well. In the third game of the third set, I made him run all over the court and finished the point with a magisterial drop shot. The reward for this point was two break balls. Aaron lost a fuse and had had enough. He literally exploded; he smashed his racket on the court three times until it broke, then he threw it with all his force in my direction.
I saw the racket rotate around its axis three times in slow motion. Then everything went dark.
I woke up with a bleeding nose and a pounding head on a chair near the court. “Wha…what happened? Where am I?” Nobody gave me an answer. There wasn’t anybody around!
I had been left on my own, bleeding like a river beside the courts. Could that be real? Yes, it was definitely not a dream. By the way, where was Aaron?
I remembered that I had been playing tennis with Aaron, and I saw the slow motion clip of the rotating racket again. Everything was clear now. Aaron, my pseudo loyal friend, whom I had known for more than sixteen years, had fled away.
I looked around me and saw a pool of blood on the sand court, and just beside the shattered racket. I decided to stand up in order to look for some help.
The tennis center was strangely empty. All the courts were empty. The sun had started to go down. The sky’s color had turned to an apocalyptic-like red.
I walked around the whole tennis court complex in the hope of finding someone to look after me and to decide if I needed an ambulance or not. And I absolutely needed a towel to wipe the blood off my face. Suddenly, on the side where the complex bordered a forest, I saw something that looked like a man wearing a black overall. It had its back turned toward me so I couldn’t tell whether it was a man, a woman, or something else.
I approached the indeterminate thing. I stopped abruptly in an arm-length distance from the thing because it was turning very slowly in my direction.
“He…Hello?” I stuttered. We were face to face. In its right hand, the thing had a big hammer, and on its face, there was a joker mask. I couldn’t determine if the thing was a man or a woman. It puffed loudly. It was very scary. I didn’t have any communication devices.
So, I wanted to run away and shout for help, but something in my mind stopped me. I was standing rooted to the spot. In the meantime, the darkness had taken over the last of the daylight.
The thing advanced in my direction: two, three, four steps. Something blocked me, and I nearly died of fear. All of a sudden, the thing's movements got faster, and it threw away the hammer and it snatched the mask away from its face.
It was my older sister, Roxanna. “What are you doing, Ben? Is that your disguise for Halloween?“
“No, it’s not funny. Aaron was in a fury and threw the racket in my face. He nearly put me in the hospital.”

Sehr gut!

[billabong97]

Vielen Dank Schuyler für Deine Korrektur!

Ich habe den ganzen Text noch einmal überarbeitet. Es wäre wirklich grossartig wenn ihn noch jemand lesen könnte.

Tennis Drama

“BOOM!” Aaron smashed the racket on the ground as he had just lost the second set. I was leading the match with 2 sets to zero. There was only one set remaining for me to win this match.

“Calm down, Aaron, it’s not the end of the world, and the racket is too expensive to be shattered.”

“Shut up, Ben! It’s easy for you to say. You’re trashing me with your tennis all the time!” he says with his funny Scottish accent, recognizable by the rolling R.

Aaron and I have known each other for more than sixteen years. We went to school together until the secondary school, and now I’m studying medicine at Harvard and Aaron works as a bricklayer. Aaron is the complete opposite of me. When I’m in trouble, I try to solve the problems calmly and without freaking out. But Aaron is very choleric -- if there’s a big problem to solve or when he’s losing a tennis match like today, he starts to lose his mind. He throws things around and shouts a lot.

“Come on, Aaron, let’s finish the match.” Aaron threw his bottle of water on the ground and walked to the service line. He was determined to win at least one set. But that set nearly turned into a life-changing disaster.

He served and won the first game easily without dropping any point. I won my serving game easily as well. In the third game of the third set, I made him run all over the court and finished the point with a magisterial drop shot. The reward for this point was two break balls. Aaron lost a fuse and had had enough. He literally exploded; he smashed his racket on the court three times until it broke, then he threw it with all his force in my direction.  

I saw the racket rotate around its axis three times in slow motion. Then everything went dark.

I woke up with a bleeding nose and a pounding head on a chair near the court. “Wha…what happened? Where am I?” Nobody gave me an answer. There wasn’t anybody around.

I had been left on my own bleeding like a river beside the courts. Could that be real? Yes, it was definitely not a dream. By the way, where was Aaron?

I remembered that I had been playing tennis with Aaron, and I saw the slow motion clip of the rotating racket again. Everything was clear now. Aaron, my pseudo loyal friend, whom I had known for more than sixteen years, had fled away.

I looked around me and saw a pool of blood on the sand court, just beside the shattered racket. I decided to stand up in order to look for some help.

The tennis center was strangely empty. All the courts were empty. The sun had started to go down. The sky’s color had turned to an apocalyptic-like red.

I walked around the whole tennis court complex in the hope of finding someone to look after me and decide if I needed an ambulance or not. And I absolutely needed a towel to wipe the blood off my face. Suddenly, on the side where the complex bordered a forest, I saw something that looked like a man wearing a black overall. It had its back toward me so I couldn’t tell whether it was a man, a woman, or something else.

I approached the indeterminate thing. I stopped abruptly an arm-length distance from the thing because it was turning very slowly in my direction.  

“He...Hello?” We were face to face. In its right hand, the thing had a big hammer, and on its face, there was a joker mask. I couldn’t determine if the thing was a man or a woman. It puffed loudly. It was very scary. I resented pee flowing along my thigh. I didn’t have any mobile phone to call someone discreet.

I wanted to run away and shout for help but something in my mind stopped me. I was standing, rooted to the spot. In the meantime, the darkness had taken over the last of the daylight.

The thing advanced in my direction -- two, three, four steps. Something blocked me, and my heart was beating a hundred a time, a shiver was running down my spine. I had creeping horrors. All of a sudden its movements got faster, and it threw away the hammer and snatched the mask away from its face.

It was my older sister Roxanna. “What are you doing, Ben? Is that your costume for Halloween?“  

I woke up with a fright and realized it was the 31^st of October. My bed was wet and it smelled strange. I had peed in my bed.

[Sinatra85]

Tennis Drama

“BOOM!” Aaron smashed the racket on the ground as he had just lost the second set. I was leading the match with two sets to zero. There was only one set remaining for me to win this match.

“Calm down, Aaron, it’s not the end of the world, and the racket is too expensive to be shattered.”

“Shut up, Ben! It’s easy for you to say. You’re trashing me with your tennis all the time!” he says with his funny Scottish accent, recognizable by the rolling R.

Aaron and I have known each other for more than sixteen years. We went to school together until the secondary school, and now I’m studying medicine at Harvard, and Aaron works as a bricklayer. Aaron is the complete opposite of me. When I’m in trouble, I try to solve the problems calmly and without freaking out. But Aaron is very choleric -- if there’s a big problem to solve or when he’s losing a tennis match like today, he starts to lose his mind. He throws things around and shouts a lot.

“Come on, Aaron, let’s finish the match.” Aaron threw his bottle of water on the ground and walked to the service line. He was determined to win at least one set. But that set nearly turned into a life-changing disaster.

He served and won the first game easily without dropping any point. I won my serving game easily as well. In the third game of the third set, I made him run all over the court and finished the point with a magisterial drop shot. The reward for this point was two break balls. Aaron lost blew a fuse and had had enough. He literally exploded;(Ich würde gar ein Doppelpunkt setzen. Es folgt ja eine Aufzählung.) he smashed his racket on the court three times until it broke, then he threw it with all his force in my direction.  

I saw the racket rotate around its axis three times in slow motion. Then everything went dark.

I woke up with a bleeding nose and a pounding head on a chair near the court. “Wha…what happened? Where am I?” Nobody gave me an answer. There wasn’t anybody around.

I had been left on my own bleeding like a river beside the courts. Could that be real? Yes, it was definitely not a dream. By the way, where was Aaron?

I remembered that I had been playing (wow, past perfect progressive. Das erste Mal in meinem Leben als Englischstudent, dass mir diese Zeitform begegnet!   Ich vermisse in diesem Satz aber noch die andere Aktion, die diese tolle Zeitform rechtfertigt. "had been playing tennis, before something hit me" so etwas meine ich.) tennis with Aaron, and I saw the slow motion clip of the rotating racket again. Everything was clear now.: Aaron, my pseudo loyal friend, whom I had known for more than sixteen years, had fled away (Yeah! Hier macht diese tolle Zeitform Sinn! Oben fehlt irgendwie was. Verstehst du, was ich meine? Natürlich wird dich jeder auch ohne einen Nebensatz verstehen, aber er ist oben inkomplett.)

I looked around me and saw a pool of blood on the sand court, just beside the shattered racket. I decided to stand up in order to look for some help.

The tennis center was strangely empty. All the courts were empty. The sun had started to go down. The sky’s color had turned to an apocalyptic-like red.

I walked around the whole tennis court complex in the hope of finding someone to look after me, and to decide if/whether I needed an ambulance or not. And I absolutely needed a towel to wipe the blood off of my face. Suddenly, on the side where the complex bordered/borders (Hier würde ich im Simple Present bleiben, es sei denn, es ist nicht mehr so) a forest, I saw something that looked like a man wearing a black overall. It had its back toward me, so I couldn’t tell whether it was a man, a woman, or something else.

I approached the indeterminate thing. I stopped abruptly an arm-length distance from the thing, because it was turning very slowly in my direction.  (Rule of Thumb: Wenn der Tense nach because eine Zusatz-Info ist, dann kommt vor because ein Komma.)

“He...Hello?” We were face to face. In its right hand, the thing had a big hammer, and on its face, there was a joker mask. I couldn’t determine if the thing was a man or a woman. It puffed loudly. It was very scary. I resented(?)/noticed pee flowing along my thigh. I didn’t have any mobile phone to call someone discreet.

I wanted to run away and shout for help but something in my mind stopped me. I was standing, rooted to the spot. In the meantime, the darkness had taken over the last of the daylight.

The thing advanced in my direction -- two, three, four steps. Something blocked me, and my heart was beating a hundred a times, a shiver was running down my spine. I had creeping horrors. All of a sudden its movements got faster, and it threw away the hammer, and snatched the mask away from its face.

It was my older sister Roxanna. “What are you doing, Ben? Is that your costume for Halloween?“  

I woke up with a fright and realised* it was the 31st of October. My bed was wet and it smelled strange. I had peed in my bed.

Ich finde diese Story echt sehr gelungen. Ein i-Tüpfelchen könntest du noch hinbekommen, wenn du es im historischen Präsens geschrieben hättest. Die Geschichte ist nämlich sehr spannend und da eignen sich das historische Präsens umso mehr!
*Hier habe ich mal ein "s" draus gemacht, da du zuvor "mobile phone" geschrieben hattest. Dann wollen wir auch im British English bleiben. Ansonsten: cell phone.

---
Ich bin nur ein Student, der Lehrer werden will. Ich mache das hier nicht aus purer Langeweile, sondern um meine Korrekturfähigkeit zu trainieren und zu verbessern. Ich bitte jeden alteingesessenen Lehrer, der hier mitmacht und jeden Native Speaker: Sollte ich etwas als falsch markiert haben (rot), was aber in Ordnung ist, dann lasst es mich bitte wissen. Danke  

[Mirela]

Hi billabong97,

in punkto Kreativität(wäre ich eine Lehrerin) gebe ich dir eine Eins.
Durch die Wahl deiner Wörter und deiner Verben, hast du sehr gut geschafft Schwung und Spannung
in deine Geschichte zu bringen. Bravo!

Auf was du achten solltest(meiner Meinung nach):
1. Die Satzzeichen: "Shut up, Ben!", und nicht :"Shut up Ben!"
                                 "Come on, Aaron, let's finish the match.", und nicht: "Come on Aaron let's finish the match."

2. Die Zeitformen: "Aaron smashed the racket on the ground because he had just lost the second set.", und nicht: " Aaron smashes the racket on the ground, he just lost the second set." (smashed- had lost, und nicht: smashes- lost im gleichen Satz)
                                 "Aaron and I have known each other for more than sixteen years.", und nicht: "Aaron and I know each other
for more than sixteen years." ( hier solltest du Present Perfect nehmen, weil du ausdrücken möchtest, dass die Zwei sich seit sechs Jahren
kennen(und sich immer noch kennen, es ist noch aktuell).

3. Deine eigentliche Frage: Es soll ja offen sein, aber möglicherweise ist mein Ende zu offen(?)

Nein, dein Ende ist nicht zu offen, im Gegenteil. Um eine Geschichte offen zu lassen  bedeutet, dass du an dem Punkt aufhören musst
wo es am spannendsten zugeht.
Dieser Punkt, in deiner Geschichte, wäre: "All of a sudden its movements got faster, it threw away the hammer and it snatched the mask
away off the face."
Nachdem du aber den Lesern enthüllt hast, dass das die Schwester ist, hast du die Spannung weggenommen, und ihnen schon ein
Ende der Geschichte präsentiert.

Es hat mir Freude bereitet deine Geschichte zu lesen. Viel Glück weiterhin.
Mirela

[billabong97]

Tennis Drama

“BOOM!” Aaron smashed the racket on the ground as he had just lost the second set. I was leading the match with two sets to zero. There was only one set remaining for me to win this match.

“Calm down, Aaron, it’s not the end of the world, and the racket is too expensive to be shattered.”

“Shut up, Ben! It’s easy for you to say. You’re trashing me with your tennis all the time!” he says with his funny Scottish accent, recognizable by the rolling R.

Aaron and I have known each other for more than sixteen years. We went to school together until the secondary school, and now I’m studying medicine at Harvard, and Aaron works as a bricklayer. Aaron is the complete opposite of me. When I’m in trouble, I try to solve the problems calmly and without freaking out. But Aaron is very choleric -- if there’s a big problem to solve or when he’s losing a tennis match like today, he starts to lose his mind. He throws things around and shouts a lot.

“Come on, Aaron, let’s finish the match.” Aaron threw his bottle of water on the ground and walked to the service line. He was determined to win at least one set. But that set nearly turned into a life-changing disaster.

He served and won the first game easily without dropping any point. I won my serving game easily as well. In the third game of the third set, I made him run all over the court and finished the point with a magisterial drop shot. The reward for this point was two break balls. Aaron lost blew a fuse and had had enough. He literally exploded;(Ich würde gar ein Doppelpunkt setzen. Es folgt ja eine Aufzählung.) he smashed his racket on the court three times until it broke, then he threw it with all his force in my direction.  

I saw the racket rotate around its axis three times in slow motion. Then everything went dark.

I woke up with a bleeding nose and a pounding head on a chair near the court. “Wha…what happened? Where am I?” Nobody gave me an answer. There wasn’t anybody around.

I had been left on my own bleeding like a river beside the courts. Could that be real? Yes, it was definitely not a dream. By the way, where was Aaron?

I remembered that I had been playing (wow, past perfect progressive. Das erste Mal in meinem Leben als Englischstudent, dass mir diese Zeitform begegnet!   Ich vermisse in diesem Satz aber noch die andere Aktion, die diese tolle Zeitform rechtfertigt. "had been playing tennis, before something hit me" so etwas meine ich.) tennis with Aaron, and I saw the slow motion clip of the rotating racket again. Everything was clear now.: Aaron, my pseudo loyal friend, whom I had known for more than sixteen years, had fled away (Yeah! Hier macht diese tolle Zeitform Sinn! Oben fehlt irgendwie was. Verstehst du, was ich meine? Natürlich wird dich jeder auch ohne einen Nebensatz verstehen, aber er ist oben inkomplett.)

I looked around me and saw a pool of blood on the sand court, just beside the shattered racket. I decided to stand up in order to look for some help.

The tennis center was strangely empty. All the courts were empty. The sun had started to go down. The sky’s color had turned to an apocalyptic-like red.

I walked around the whole tennis court complex in the hope of finding someone to look after me, and to decide if/whether I needed an ambulance or not. And I absolutely needed a towel to wipe the blood off of my face. Suddenly, on the side where the complex bordered/borders (Hier würde ich im Simple Present bleiben, es sei denn, es ist nicht mehr so) a forest, I saw something that looked like a man wearing a black overall. It had its back toward me, so I couldn’t tell whether it was a man, a woman, or something else.

I approached the indeterminate thing. I stopped abruptly an arm-length distance from the thing, because it was turning very slowly in my direction.  (Rule of Thumb: Wenn der Tense nach because eine Zusatz-Info ist, dann kommt vor because ein Komma.)

“He...Hello?” We were face to face. In its right hand, the thing had a big hammer, and on its face, there was a joker mask. I couldn’t determine if the thing was a man or a woman. It puffed loudly. It was very scary. I resented(?)/noticed pee flowing along my thigh. I didn’t have any mobile phone to call someone discreet.

I wanted to run away and shout for help but something in my mind stopped me. I was standing, rooted to the spot. In the meantime, the darkness had taken over the last of the daylight.

The thing advanced in my direction -- two, three, four steps. Something blocked me, and my heart was beating a hundred a times, a shiver was running down my spine. I had creeping horrors. All of a sudden its movements got faster, and it threw away the hammer, and snatched the mask away from its face.

It was my older sister Roxanna. “What are you doing, Ben? Is that your costume for Halloween?“  

I woke up with a fright and realised* it was the 31st of October. My bed was wet and it smelled strange. I had peed in my bed.

Ich finde diese Story echt sehr gelungen. Ein i-Tüpfelchen könntest du noch hinbekommen, wenn du es im historischen Präsens geschrieben hättest. Die Geschichte ist nämlich sehr spannend und da eignen sich das historische Präsens umso mehr!
*Hier habe ich mal ein "s" draus gemacht, da du zuvor "mobile phone" geschrieben hattest. Dann wollen wir auch im British English bleiben. Ansonsten: cell phone.

---
Ich bin nur ein Student, der Lehrer werden will. Ich mache das hier nicht aus purer Langeweile, sondern um meine Korrekturfähigkeit zu trainieren und zu verbessern. Ich bitte jeden alteingesessenen Lehrer, der hier mitmacht und jeden Native Speaker: Sollte ich etwas als falsch markiert haben (rot), was aber in Ordnung ist, dann lasst es mich bitte wissen. Danke  

Vielen Dank Sinatra für Deinen Input. Ich habe die ganze Geschichte mal ins Präsens übersetzt. Ist es so besser? 
Es wäre wirklich grossartig, wenn Du sie noch einmal lesen könntest.

Tennis Drama

“BOOM!” Aaron smashes the racket on the ground as he has just lost the second set. I’m leading the match with 2 sets to zero. There is only one set remaining for me to win this match.

“Calm down, Aaron, it’s not the end of the world, and the racket is too expensive to be shattered.”

“Shut up, Ben! It’s easy for you to say. You’re trashing me with your tennis all the time!” he says with his funny Scottish accent, recognizable by the rolling R.

Aaron and I know each other for more than sixteen years. We went to school together until the secondary school, and now I’m studying medicine at Harvard, and Aaron works as a bricklayer. Aaron is the complete opposite of me. When I’m in trouble, I try to solve the problems calmly and without freaking out. But Aaron is very choleric -- if there’s a big problem to solve or when he’s losing a tennis match like today, he starts to lose his mind. He throws things around and shouts a lot.

“Come on, Aaron, let’s finish the match.” Aaron throws his bottle of water on the ground and walks in large steps to the service line. He’s determined to win at least one set. But that set will nearly turn into a life-changing disaster.

He serves and wins the first game easily without dropping any point. I win my serving game easily as well. In the third game of the third set, I make him run all over the court and finish the point with a magisterial drop shot. The reward for this point is two break balls. Aaron blows a fuse and has enough. He literally explodes: he smashes his racket on the court three times until it breaks, then he throws it with all his force in my direction.  

I see the racket rotate around its axis three times in slow motion. Then everything goes dark.

I wake up with a bleeding nose and a pounding head on a chair near the court. “Wha…what happened? Where am I?” Nobody gives me an answer. There isn’t anybody around.

I have been left on my own bleeding like a river beside the courts. Can that be real? Yes, it’s definitely not a dream. By the way, where’s Aaron?

I remember that I was playing tennis with Aaron until the racket hit me just a few minutes ago, and I see the slow motion clip of the rotating racket again. Everything is clear now: Aaron, my pseudo loyal friend, whom I have known for more than sixteen years, has fled away.

I look around me and see a pool of blood on the sand court, just beside the shattered racket. I decide to stand up in order to look for some help. I feel dizzy.

The tennis center is strangely empty. All the courts are empty. The sun has started to go down. The sky’s color has turned to an apocalyptic-like red.

I walk around the whole tennis court complex in the hope of finding someone to look after me, and to decide whether I need an ambulance or not. And I absolutely need a towel to wipe the blood off my face. Suddenly, on the side where the complex borders a forest, I see something that looks like a man wearing a black overall. It has its back toward me, so I can’t tell whether it’s a man, a woman, or something else.

I approach the indeterminate thing. I stop abruptly an arm-length distance from the thing, because it is turning very slowly in my direction.  

“He...Hello?” We are face to face now. In its right hand, the thing has a big hammer, and on its face, there is a joker mask. I can’t determine if the thing is a man or a woman. It puffs loudly. It’s very scary. I feel pee flowing along my thigh. I don’t have any mobile phone to call someone discreet.

I want to run away and shout for help but something in my mind stopped me. I was standing, rooted to the spot. In the meantime, the darkness has taken over the last of the daylight.

The thing advances in my direction -- two, three, four steps. Something blocks me, and my heart is beating a hundred times, a shiver is running down my spine. I have creeping horrors. All of a sudden its movements are faster, and it throws away the hammer, and snatches the mask away from its face.

“Aaron, Aaron, wake up!” I wake up with a fright, my mom’s standing in front of the bed. My bed is wet and there’s a strange smell in the air. I have peed in my bed.

 

[billabong97]

Hi billabong97,

in punkto Kreativität(wäre ich eine Lehrerin) gebe ich dir eine Eins.
Durch die Wahl deiner Wörter und deiner Verben, hast du sehr gut geschafft Schwung und Spannung
in deine Geschichte zu bringen. Bravo!

Auf was du achten solltest(meiner Meinung nach):
1. Die Satzzeichen: "Shut up, Ben!", und nicht :"Shut up Ben!"
                                 "Come on, Aaron, let's finish the match.", und nicht: "Come on Aaron let's finish the match."

2. Die Zeitformen: "Aaron smashed the racket on the ground because he had just lost the second set.", und nicht: " Aaron smashes the racket on the ground, he just lost the second set." (smashed- had lost, und nicht: smashes- lost im gleichen Satz)
                                 "Aaron and I have known each other for more than sixteen years.", und nicht: "Aaron and I know each other
for more than sixteen years." ( hier solltest du Present Perfect nehmen, weil du ausdrücken möchtest, dass die Zwei sich seit sechs Jahren
kennen(und sich immer noch kennen, es ist noch aktuell).

3. Deine eigentliche Frage: Es soll ja offen sein, aber möglicherweise ist mein Ende zu offen(?)

Nein, dein Ende ist nicht zu offen, im Gegenteil. Um eine Geschichte offen zu lassen  bedeutet, dass du an dem Punkt aufhören musst
wo es am spannendsten zugeht.
Dieser Punkt, in deiner Geschichte, wäre: "All of a sudden its movements got faster, it threw away the hammer and it snatched the mask
away off the face."
Nachdem du aber den Lesern enthüllt hast, dass das die Schwester ist, hast du die Spannung weggenommen, und ihnen schon ein
Ende der Geschichte präsentiert.

Es hat mir Freude bereitet deine Geschichte zu lesen. Viel Glück weiterhin.
Mirela

Herzlichen Dank Mirela für Deine Korrekturen. Ich habe das Ende jetzt dort gesetzt, wie Du es gesagt hast. Wie findest Du es?
Die Geschichte ist einen Post weiter oben.

[Mirela]

Das ist mal eine Überraschung! Du bist also Aaron! Wer hätte das gedacht!?
(I am just kidding)
Aber Spaß beiseite, deine letzten Sätze: “Aaron, Aaron, wake up!”
I wake up with a fright, my mom’s standing in front of the bed.
My bed is wet and there’s a strange smell in the air. I have peed in my bed.",
schließen die Geschichte ab.
Jetzt bin ich aber verwirrt. Möchtest du, dass die Geschichte offen ist? Dann musst
du dort aufhören wo es noch spannend ist. (so wie ich erwähnt habe)
Wenn du das aber nicht möchtest, dann ist das Ende deiner Geschichte wunderbar.
Außer.......... außer, na ja.....Am Anfang warst du "ich" und am Ende bist du
"Aaron". Aaron, der vielleicht im Körper seines Freundes war? Eine außerkörperliche
Erfahrung?
Könnte gehen, wenn deine Geschichte Teil von einer größeren Geschichte wäre.
Wie in:
Aaron war ein Choleriker und das Universum wollte ihm eine Lektion erteilen und brachte ihm
in eine Situation, wo er erfahren konnte(am eigenen Leib) wie es ist, das Ziel seiner
cholerischen Anfällen zu sein.
Aber das ist nicht deine Geschichte!
Was die Wahl deiner Erzählungszeit betrifft: Die Gegenwart, in einer Geschichte, ist
sehr interessant und verleiht der Erzählung mehr Dynamik. (meine Meinung)
Aber..... ABER, aufpassen!
 Du kannst nicht alles in der Gegenwart schreiben, und auf Englisch
bleiben, dennoch, gewisse Sachen unantastbar.
Wie:
1. We have known each other for six years. (hier kannst du nicht einfach die Gegenwart(Simple
Present nehmen: we know each other for six years)
2. ..now I’m studying medicine at Harvard, and Aaron is working as a bricklayer.(das Wort "now",
ist ein Signalwort für den Present Continuous- ing- Form. Du sollst beide Verben(study and work)
in dieser Zeitform schreiben)
Ich möchte dich nicht erschrecken.
Aber, wenn du deine Geschichte in Present schreiben möchtest, hast du noch viel zu
korrigieren(oder jemand ist so nett-extrem nett-und korrigiert sie).
Diese Person kann ich nicht sein, denn mein Englisch reicht dafür nicht aus. Leider.
Aber, wenn du noch Zeit hast, warten wir auf die Experten(in diesem Forum gibt es ein paar die
wirklich ausgezeichnet sind)
Ich bin über deine Kreativität beeindrückt.
Es macht mir wirklich Spaß !
Mirela

[billabong97]

Das ist mal eine Überraschung! Du bist also Aaron! Wer hätte das gedacht!?
(I am just kidding)
Aber Spaß beiseite, deine letzten Sätze: “Aaron, Aaron, wake up!”
I wake up with a fright, my mom’s standing in front of the bed.
My bed is wet and there’s a strange smell in the air. I have peed in my bed.",
schließen die Geschichte ab.
Jetzt bin ich aber verwirrt. Möchtest du, dass die Geschichte offen ist? Dann musst
du dort aufhören wo es noch spannend ist. (so wie ich erwähnt habe)
Wenn du das aber nicht möchtest, dann ist das Ende deiner Geschichte wunderbar.
Außer.......... außer, na ja.....Am Anfang warst du "ich" und am Ende bist du
"Aaron". Aaron, der vielleicht im Körper seines Freundes war? Eine außerkörperliche
Erfahrung?
Könnte gehen, wenn deine Geschichte Teil von einer größeren Geschichte wäre.
Wie in:
Aaron war ein Choleriker und das Universum wollte ihm eine Lektion erteilen und brachte ihm
in eine Situation, wo er erfahren konnte(am eigenen Leib) wie es ist, das Ziel seiner
cholerischen Anfällen zu sein.
Aber das ist nicht deine Geschichte!
Was die Wahl deiner Erzählungszeit betrifft: Die Gegenwart, in einer Geschichte, ist
sehr interessant und verleiht der Erzählung mehr Dynamik. (meine Meinung)
Aber..... ABER, aufpassen!
 Du kannst nicht alles in der Gegenwart schreiben, und auf Englisch
bleiben, dennoch, gewisse Sachen unantastbar.
Wie:
1. We have known each other for six years. (hier kannst du nicht einfach die Gegenwart(Simple
Present nehmen: we know each other for six years)
2. ..now I’m studying medicine at Harvard, and Aaron is working as a bricklayer.(das Wort "now",
ist ein Signalwort für den Present Continuous- ing- Form. Du sollst beide Verben(study and work)
in dieser Zeitform schreiben)
Ich möchte dich nicht erschrecken.
Aber, wenn du deine Geschichte in Present schreiben möchtest, hast du noch viel zu
korrigieren(oder jemand ist so nett-extrem nett-und korrigiert sie).
Diese Person kann ich nicht sein, denn mein Englisch reicht dafür nicht aus. Leider.
Aber, wenn du noch Zeit hast, warten wir auf die Experten(in diesem Forum gibt es ein paar die
wirklich ausgezeichnet sind)
Ich bin über deine Kreativität beeindrückt.
Es macht mir wirklich Spaß !
Mirela

Ach Nein! 
Eigentlich sollte "Ben., Ben, wake up" stehen, tut mir leid für die Verwirrung.
Aber vielen vielen Dank für deinen Kommentar!

[Sinatra85]

Es war schon recht später gestern, als ich das korrigiert hatte. Sei so gut und ignoriere meine Kommas, die ich vor "and" gesetzt habe, wenn nach "and" nicht wirklich ein Subjekt und Prädikat auftaucht.

[billabong97]

So, jetzt sollte sie mehr oder weniger fertig sein. Vielen Dank Euch beiden !

Tennis Drama

“BOOM!” Aaron smashed the racket on the ground as he had just lost the second set. I was leading the match with 2 sets to zero. There was only one set remaining for me to win this match.

“Calm down, Aaron, it’s not the end of the world, and the racket is too expensive to be shattered.”

“Shut up, Ben! It’s easy for you to say. You’re trashing me with your tennis all the time!” he says with his funny Scottish accent, recognizable by the rolling R.

Aaron and I have known each other for more than sixteen years. We went to school together until the secondary school, and now I’m studying medicine at Cambridge University and Aaron works as a bricklayer. Aaron is the complete opposite of me. When I’m in trouble, I try to solve the problems calmly and without freaking out. But Aaron is very choleric -- if there’s a big problem to solve or when he’s losing a tennis match like today, he starts to lose his mind. He throws things around and shouts a lot.

“Come on, Aaron, let’s finish the match.” Aaron threw his bottle of water on the ground and walked to the service line. He was determined to win at least one set. But that set nearly turned into a life-changing disaster.

He served and won the first game easily without dropping any point. I won my serving game easily as well. In the third game of the third set, I made him run all over the court and finished the point with a magisterial drop shot. The reward for this point was two break balls. Aaron blew a fuse and had had enough. He literally exploded: he smashed his racket on the court three times until it broke, then he threw it with all his force in my direction.  

I saw the racket rotate around its axis three times in slow motion. Then everything went dark.

I woke up with a bleeding nose and a pounding head on a chair near the court. “Wha…what happened? Where am I?” Nobody gave me an answer. There wasn’t anybody around.

 

 

I had been left on my own bleeding like a river beside the court. Could that be real? Yes, it was definitely not a dream. Where was Aaron?

I remembered that I had been playing tennis with Aaron until he threw the racket in my direction. I saw the slow motion clip of the rotating racket again. Everything was clear now: Aaron, my pseudo loyal friend, whom I had known for more than sixteen years, had fled away.

I looked around me and saw a pool of blood on the sand court, just beside the shattered racket. I decided to stand up in order to look for some help.

The tennis center was strangely empty. All the courts were empty. The sun had started to go down. The sky’s color had turned to an apocalyptic-like red.

I walked around the whole tennis court complex in the hope of finding someone to look after me, and to decide whether I needed an ambulance or not. And I absolutely needed a towel to wipe the blood off my face. Suddenly, on the side where the complex borders a forest, I saw something that looked like a man wearing a black overall. It had its back toward me, so I couldn’t tell whether it was a man, a woman, or something else.

I approached the indeterminate thing carefully. Then I stopped abruptly an arm-length distance from the thing, because it was turning very slowly in my direction.  

“He...Hello?” We were face to face. In its right hand, the thing had a big hammer and on its face, there was a joker mask. I couldn’t determine if the thing was a man or a woman. It puffed loudly. It was very scary. I felt pee flowing along my thigh. I didn’t have any mobile phone to call someone discreet.

I wanted to run away and shout for help but something in my mind stopped me. I was standing, rooted to the spot. In the meantime, the darkness had taken over the last of the daylight.

The thing advanced in my direction -- two, three, four steps. Something blocked me, and my heart was beating a hundred times, a shiver was running down my spine. I had creeping horrors. All of a sudden its movements got faster, and it threw away the hammer and snatched the mask away from its face. 

[Schuyler]

Tennis Drama

“BOOM!” Aaron smashed the racket on the ground, as he had just lost the second set. I was leading the match with 2 sets to zero. There was only one set remaining for me to win this match.

“Calm down, Aaron, it’s not the end of the world, and that racket is too expensive to be shattered.”

“Shut up, Ben! That's easy for you to say. You’re trashing me with your tennis all the time!” he said [Verstehe ich das richtig, dass du diesmal wieder in der Vergangenheit schreiben willst?] with his funny Scottish accent, recognizable by the rolling R.

Aaron and I have known each other for more than sixteen years. We went to school together until the secondary school, and now I’m studying medicine at Cambridge University and Aaron is working as a bricklayer.* Aaron is the complete opposite of me. When I’m in trouble, I try to solve the problems calmly and without freaking out. But Aaron is very choleric -- if there’s a big problem to solve or when he’s losing a tennis match like today, he starts to lose his mind. He throws things around and shouts a lot.

“Come on, Aaron, let’s finish the match.” Aaron threw his bottle of water on the ground and walked to the service line. He was determined to win at least one set. But that set nearly turned into a life-changing disaster.

He served and won the first game easily without dropping any point. I won my serving game easily as well. In the third game of the third set, I made him run all over the court and finished the point with a magisterial drop shot. The reward for that point was two break balls. Aaron blew a fuse and had had enough. He literally exploded: he smashed his racket on the court three times until it broke, then he threw it with all his might in my direction.  

I saw the racket rotate around its axis three times in slow motion. Then everything went dark.

I woke up on a chair near the court with a bleeding nose and a pounding head. “Wha…what happened? Where am I?” Nobody gave me an answer. There wasn’t anybody around.

 

 

I had been left on my own, bleeding like a river beside the court. Could that be real? Yes, it was definitely not a dream. Where was Aaron?

I remembered that I had been playing tennis with Aaron until he threw the racket in my direction. I saw the slow motion clip of the rotating racket again. Everything was clear now: Aaron, my pseudo loyal friend, whom I had known for more than sixteen years, had fled away.

I looked around me and saw a pool of blood on the sand court, just beside the shattered racket. I decided to stand up in order to look for some help.

The tennis center was strangely empty. All the courts were empty. The sun had started to go down. The sky’s color had turned to an apocalyptic-like red.

I walked around the whole tennis court complex in the hope of finding someone to look after me [kein Komma] and to decide whether I needed an ambulance or not. And I absolutely needed a towel to wipe the blood off my face. Suddenly, on the side where the complex bordered a forest, I saw something that looked like a man wearing a black overall. It had its back toward me, so I couldn’t tell whether it was a man, a woman, or something else.

I approached the indeterminate thing carefully. Then I stopped abruptly an arm-length distance from the thing, because it was turning very slowly in my direction.  

“He...Hello?” We were face to face. In its right hand, the thing had a big hammer, and on its face, there was a joker mask. I couldn’t determine if the thing was a man or a woman. It puffed loudly. It was very scary. I felt pee flowing along my thigh. I didn’t have a mobile phone to call anyone discreet. [Ich bin mir nicht sicher, was du hier meinst, aber ich glaube "discreet" ist vielleicht das falsche Wort.]

I wanted to run away and shout for help, but something in my mind stopped me. I was standing [kein Komma] rooted to the spot. In the meantime, the darkness had taken over the last of the daylight.

The thing advanced in my direction -- two, three, four steps. Something blocked me, and my heart was beating a hundred times a second / faster than normal [Das meinst du?], and a shiver ran down my spine. I felt a creeping horror. All of a sudden, the thing's movements got faster, and it threw away the hammer and snatched the mask away from its face.


[Ist das der Ende oder hast du etwas mehr geschrieben? Meiner Meinung nach lasst das die Geschichte ein wenig zu offen. Wer oder was steht hinter dem Maske und was ist mit Ben geschehen? ]

*Zu Mirelas Beitrag: Das "now" hat in diesem Fall die gleiche Bedeutung wie "heutzutage." Das heißt also, man kann entweder den Simple Present oder den Present Continuous verwenden. Beide sind korrekt. Ich stimme jedoch zu, dass du beiden Verben in den gleichen Zeitform schreiben solltest: "... now I’m studying medicine at Harvard, and Aaron is working as a bricklayer" oder "... now I study medicine at Harvard, and Aaron works as a bricklayer."

[billabong97]

So, habe die Short Story brute abgegeben, mal schauen was dabei rauskommt....Auf jeden Fall ein sehr grosses Dankeschön Euch allen. Ihr wart mir eine enorme Hilfe und ich habe auch viel gelernt.
Ich werde Euch natürlich noch kurz berichten wie die Bewertung ausgefallen ist.