Essay bitte korrigieren

[Haruni]

Everything went wrong

It was Saturday morning. Jenny got up at 7.a.m. Jenny woke up so early because on that day she had her driving test. It is at 10 am. She went to the bathroom brushed her teeth and had a shower. Afterwards she had breakfast. She ate a chicken sandwhich with a cup of orange juice while she was watching TV. She was very excited because it was her first driving test. After the breakfast she got out of the house. It was  a.m. Jenny hurried on to the station but she knew that the train would arrive in 20minutes.she just wanted to be safe that she didnt come late. When she came to the station there was nobody. Usually there were roughly more than 100 people but Jenny didnt perceive it because she was distracted by her smart phone. After couple of minutes she noticed it. So, she turned on the VVS app on her mobile which has informations about the schedule. Jenny read that there was a rail strike today. In addition the trains would arrive ever secound hour. So she called a taxi. The taxi arrived in less than 2 minutes and picked Jenny up from the station. Jenny was delighted . It was 9:30 a.m. She was a little bit afraid beause it was possible that she came lateand so she would not pass the test. Suddenly there was another problem. They stuck in a traffic. Jenny paid her bill and got out of the car. The last metres she had to run. After 10 minutes she reaached the driving school timely. Finallyy she noticed that se had her schedule next week and not today. She was mislead by herself. She got upset because she wasted her whole mornig. Usually she would sleep now in her cuddly bed. Neverthless she met her best friend in the town and they went together to the cinema to watch a film. Clearly it was not a really bad day.

Würde mich sehr freuen wenn jemand sich die Zeit nimmt und meine Geschichte korrigiert. Würde mich über Tipps freuen wie ich das besser machen kann da ich irgendwie nicht zufrieden damit bin
Freue mich auch auf Tipps in der Grammatik wie ich Sätze z.b sinnvoll verknüpfe ohne dass es sich irgendwie blöd anhört ;D
Danke im Voraus.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen
Haruni

[Duckduck (Contributor)]

Everything went wrong

It was Saturday morning but Jenny got up at 7 am. Nacher sagst Du ja, dass sie am Wochenende eigentlich viel später aufstehen würde und hiermit kannst Du schon einen kleinen Hinweis auf das Folgende geben.

She woke up so early because on that day, at 10 am, she would have her driving test. Eingeschobene Uhrzeit vermeidet hier Deinen Zeitformfehler, der Name muss nicht wiederholt werden. "would have" = "würde haben" zu dem Zeitpunkt ist der Test noch in der Zukunft.

She went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth and had a shower.

Afterwards she had breakfast.

She ate a chicken sandwhich and drank a glass of orange juice while she was watching TV. Irgendwie trinkt man Saft eher aus einem Glas, oder? , das "she was" kann wegfallen.

She was very excited because it was her first driving test.

After the breakfast she left the house.

It was ??? am. Im Britischen keine Punkte bei am, in Amerika wird's mit Punkten gemacht.

Jenny hurried on to the station although she knew that the train would only arrive in 20 minutes and that she had ample time, therefore, she just wanted to be on the safe side. Das "although" (= obwohl) verdeutlicht besser als das "but", dass sie sich beeilte, obwohl sie eigentlich genug Zeit hatte. Die Ergänzung ist eine weitere Erläuterung und hinten dran eine stilistisch etwas elegantere Lösung.

When she reached the station there was nobody there.

Normally, there would have been more than 100 people standing around but - distracted by her Smartphone - Jenny only noticed it after a couple of minutes. Stilistisch etwas gefälliger, meine ich. "would have been" anstelle von "were" = "wären gewesen" anstelle von "waren".


So, she turned on the VVS app on her mobile which has informations about the schedule. "information" gibt es nur im Singular.


Jenny read that on that day there was a rail strike and trains would only run every other hour. Indirekte Rede, da verändert sich "today" zu "on that day". Wolltest Du hier sagen, Züge fuhren nur jede 2. Stunde? Dann habe ich Dich richtig verstanden und es umformuliert.


So she called a taxi.

It arrived in less than 2 minutes and picked Jenny up from the station.


It was 9:30 am. Hier habe ich die Reihenfolge etwas verändert und die folgenden Sätze miteinander verbunden.
She was delighted but also a little bit afraid still to be late and consequently fail the test.


And suddenly there was another problem. They got stuck in a traffic jam. "get stuck in" "steckenbleiben", "traffic jam" = "Stau", sonst ist es nur "Verkehr".


Jenny paid her bill and got out of the car.

The last metres she had to run.

After 10 minutes she reaached the driving school - just on the dot.


Only then did she notice that her test was scheduled for the coming week. Hier ein kleiner Stilstupser.

She had been wrong from the word go. Sie hatte sich von Anfang an vertan.


Jenny got quite upset with herself because she had wasted her whole morning. "had wasted" ist das Past Perfect, welches hier verwendet wird, weil das Zeit-Verschwenden zeitlich vor dem Sauer-Werden lag.


By rights, she would be asleep now in her cuddly bed. "By rights" = "eigentlich"


But anyway, she met her best friend in the town and they went together to the cinema to watch a film.

So the day turned out to be not all that bad after all. Nochmal ein Stilstupser.


Nur noch mal so als kleine Anmerkung. Sollte der Text für die Schule o.ä. sein und das Thema vorgegeben, ich habe mal für einen Aufsatz in der 4. Klasse eine 3 bekommen, weil ich bei fast demselben Thema ein versöhnliches Ende dazu geschrieben hatte und mir das als "Thema verfehlt" benotet wurde.... Lehrer!

Liebe Grüße
Duckduck

[Duckduck (Contributor)]

So, liebe Leute und vor allem Haruni, solltest Du überhaupt noch einmal hier vorbeischauen:
das ist genau der Grund, warum wir Euch bitten, keine Doppelpostings in anderen Foren einzustellen. Ich habe jetzt nachgesehen und finde, dass jemand anderes in einem anderen Forum Deinen Text korrigiert hat. Das erklärt, warum Du Dich hier gar nicht mehr umgesehen hast.
Möglicherweise kannst Du/könnt auch Ihr anderen verstehen, dass, wenn man eine recht aufwendige Korrektur wie meine obige erstellt, man wenigstens das Gefühl haben möchte, der Fragende hat genug Interesse, die Arbeit auch zu würdigen.

Ich bin ziemlich sicher, dass das für alle gilt, welche in diesen Foren Eure Fragen beantworten.

So, und nun ziehe ich mich 5 Minuten beleidigt ins Schilf zurück...  

Duckduck