Kriminalgeschichte

[Healheart]

Hallo,
dies ist mein erster Beitrag, ich freue mich dabei zu sein und bitte um Nachsicht falls ich etwas formal falsch mache. Da ich mein Abitur via Fernschule mache benötige ich des Häufigeren mal einen Ansprechpartner um Kleinigkeiten abzuklären. Ich hoffe das ich euch mit meine Fragen nicht störe und vielleicht auch einmal hilfreich sein kann.
Zu meiner Frage:
Ich musste eine kurze Kriminalgeschichte schreiben (250 Wörter, ist aber mehr geworden) und bin mir nun leider nicht sicher, ob diese von den Zeiten her in Ordnung ist oder ein totales Durcheinander herrscht. Wäre sehr nett wenn jemand die Zeit findet mich auf Fehler hinzuweisen.

A deadly mansion
 

The Millers- a hard working family- finally have holiday together. They had planned this Trip for a long time and now the last preparation are made. They will stay at a mansion, far away of any civilization, for two weeks. The old Women, which rent out this mansion seems pretty strange. She barely spoke and the price she demanded was really low. The Miller thought that she is confused because of her old age and agreed happily. Now the Millers arrive to the mansion and can’t trust their eyes. The mansion has a big front garden and it looks amazing. They drive through the big gate and park right before the entrance. Mr. and Mrs. Miller now carry their luggage in the big house, which they will never leave again. After the luggage was stored the Millers split and explored the house on their own. None of them was near the entrance. In this moment a big man with a knife enters the mansion and locks the entrance behind him.  He goes to the east area of the mansion first. In this area Mr. Miller discovered the sleeping room and is trying the bed. He cries for help as he saw the man and tries to escape. But it was hopeless the big man easily captured Mr. Miller and killed him with his knife. Mrs. Miller heard her husband’s scream and run to him in panic. The only thing she saw was a lifeless body and the murderer covered in blood. She started to run for her life and noticed the closed entrance. The only hope she had was to jump from the balcony at the 1. Floor and escape with her car. She managed to get there but before she was ready to jump she heard a gun. The old women was standing outside with a pistol in her hand. The shot hit Mrs. Miller in her heart and she died immediately. Two weeks later the police tried to find the missed Family but no one could find their bodies. 


Ich bedanke mich für Hilfe im Voraus und wünsche einen schönen Tag.
Healheart

[Schuyler]

Zuerst muss ich fragen, ob du in der Gegenwartsform oder der Vergangenheitsform schreiben willst? Du fängst in der Gegenwartsform an, aber mitten in der Geschichte wechselst du zu der Vergangenheitsform. Ich entscheide mich jetzt, alles in der Vergangenheit zu schreiben, aber wenn du es nicht so wollte, dann kann ich es nochmal schreiben oder natürlich kannst du selbst die Verben zu Präsens ändern.

The Millers- a hard working family- finally had a holiday together. They had been planning the trip for a long time, and now the last preparations had been made. They were to stay at a mansion, far away from any civilization, for two weeks. The old women, who had rented out this mansion seemed pretty strange. She barely spoke and the price she demanded was really low. The Millers thought that she was confused because of her old age and they agreed happily. Then the Millers arrived at the mansion and couldn't believe their eyes. The mansion had a big front garden and it looked amazing. They drove through the big gate and parked right before the entrance. Mr. and Mrs. Miller then carried their luggage into the big house, which they would never leave again. After the luggage had been stored the Millers split up and explored the house on their own. None of them were near the entrance. In that moment a big man with a knife entered the mansion and locked the entrance behind him.  He went to the east area of the mansion first. In that area Mr. Miller had discovered the sleeping room and was trying the bed. He cried for help as he saw the man and tried to escape. But it was hopeless. The big man easily captured Mr. Miller and killed him with his knife. Mrs. Miller heard her husband’s scream and ran to him in a panic. The only thing she saw was a lifeless body and the murderer covered in blood. She started to run for her life and noticed the closed entrance. The only hope she had was to jump from the balcony on the 1. floor and escape in her car. She managed to get there, but before she was ready to jump, she heard a gun. The old women was standing outside with a pistol in her hand. The shot hit Mrs. Miller in her heart and she died immediately. Two weeks later the police tried to find the missing family, but no one could find their bodies.

[Healheart]

Vielen lieben Dank für die schnelle und ausführliche Korrektur. Ich hatte mit den Zeiten einige Schwierigkeiten gehabt, da ich nicht wusste wie ich einige Sachen im Präsens schreiben kann. Gerade solche Sätze wie :

" Nachdem das Gepäck verstaut war, teilten sie sich auf und erkundeten das Haus auf eigene Faust" 

könnte ich selbst in Deutsch schlecht so umstellen, dass er im Präsens steht (Das Problem habe ich nämlich bei Texten über Texte auch, da dort ja alles im Präsens stehen muss). Wäre schön, wenn sie mir dazu ein paar Tipps geben könnten, damit ich nächstes Mal nicht mehr so in den Zeiten rumspringe.

Wünsche noch einen schönen Tag,

Healheart