Englisch mündliche Prüfung - gut so?

[alpaycal]

Hallo.  Ich habe am Donnerstag meine Englishc mündliche Prüfung, daher wollte ich Fragen wie sich mein 'Introduce Yourself' geworden ist. 
Für hilfreiche Antworten, wäre ich sehr dankbar.

Good morning, my name is ***** and I was born in October the 28th, 1997 also I was born and raised here in ******. I attend the Private ****** Wirtschaftsschule – in englisch it is called as a business school. My favourite subjects are English and accountancy. I have got a one older sister she is 27 and married since a year. My father works in a factory, called ‘******* ******’ and my mother is a housewife. My hobbies are watching movies and criticize them and going out swimming. In August I’m going to New York City for a year and doing an internship there.

Vielen Dank schon mal. 

[Schuyler]

Good morning, my name is ***** and I was born in on October the 28th, 1997. also I was (also) born and raised here in ******. I attend the Private ****** Wirtschaftsschule – in englisch English it is called known as a business school. My favourite subjects are English and accountancy accounting. I have got a one an older sister. She is 27 and has been married since for a year. My father works in a factory called ‘******* ******’ and my mother is a housewife. My hobbies are watching and criticizing movies and criticize them and going out swimming. In August I’m going to New York City for a year and doing an internship there.

[alpaycal]

Hier nochmal überarbeitet:

Good morning, my name is ***** and I was born on October the 28^th, 1997. I was (also) born and raised here in ******. I attend the Private ****** Wirtschaftsschule – in English it is known as a business school. My favourite subjects are English, business administration an accounting. I have an older sister. She is 27 and has been married for a year and got twins on Februar the 10th. My father works in a factory called ‘****** ******’ and my mother is a housewife. My hobbies are watching and criticizing movies, playing video games and swimming. In August I’m going to a summer school in Washington afterwards I would do an internship there. 

[Schuyler]

Good morning, my name is ***** and I was born on October the 28^th, 1997. I was (also) [das "also" ist nicht nötig, daher hatte ich es in Klammern gestellt. Wenn du es behalten, dann muss die Klammern weglassen werden. ^^] born and raised here in ******. I attend the Private ****** Wirtschaftsschule – in English it is known as a business school. My favourite subjects are English, business administration, and accounting. I have an older sister. She is 27 and has been married for a year. and She had got twins on February the 10th. My father works in a factory called ‘****** ******’ and my mother is a housewife. My hobbies are watching and criticizing movies, playing video games and swimming. In August I’m going to a summer school in Washington and will afterwards I would do an internship there afterwards.

Ich habe bemerkt, du benutzt einige Mal das Verb "got" anstatt "have." Es ist korrekt zu sagen: "I have got an older sister," aber das ist sehr informell und gehört nur in Gespräche mit Freunden, Familie, usw. Wenn du eine Prüfung machst, dann solltest du immer "have" benutzen: "I have an older sister." ("Have" als Vollverb des Satzes, meine ich; im ersten Satz ist es natürlich ein Hilfsverb. c: )

"To have twins/a child/a baby" ist auch ein Idiom, also geht es eigentlich nicht wenn man sagt: "She got twins on February the 10th." Es muss "She had twins on ..." sein.

[alpaycal]

Da hast du recht. ^^ Okay, vielen Dank für deine Hilfe! Bedeutet mir viel.

[alpaycal]

Good morning, my name is ***** and I was born on October the 28^th, 1997. I was (also) born and raised here in *****. I attend the Private ***** Wirtschaftsschule – in English it is known as a business school. My favourite subjects are English, business administration, and accounting. I have an older sister. She is 27 and has been married for a year. She had twins on February the 10^th. My father works in a factory called “***** *****” and builds aircraft parts. My mother is a housewife. My hobbies are watching and criticizing movies, playing video games and swimming. In August I’m going to a summer school in Washington and will do an internship there afterwards. 

[alpaycal]

Okay ich habe es etwas erweitert, da ich nicht an die gewünschten 1 Minute komme. 

Good morning, my name is ***** and I was born on October the 28^th, 1997. I was (also) born and raised here in *****. I attend the Private ***** Wirtschaftsschule – in English it is known as a business school and I am doing my final exams right now. My favourite subjects are English, business administration, and accounting. I have an older sister. She is 27 and has been married for a year. She had twins on February the 10^th. My father works in a factory called “***** *****” and builds aircraft parts. My mother is a housewife. My hobbies are watching and criticizing movies, playing video games and swimming. In August I’m going to a summer school in Washington and will do an internship there afterwards either way I will stay there for a long term.

[Keswick (Contributor)]

Okay ich habe es etwas erweitert, da ich nicht an die gewünschten 1 Minute komme. 

Good morning, my name is ***** and I was born on October the 28^th, 1997. I was (also) born and raised here in *****. I attend the Private ***** Wirtschaftsschule – in English it is known as a business school and I am doing my final exams right now. My favourite subjects are English, business administration, and accounting. I have an older sister. She is 27 and has been married for a year. She had twins on February the 10^th. My father works in a factory called “***** *****” and builds aircraft parts. My mother is a housewife. My hobbies are watching and criticizing movies, playing video games and swimming. In August I’m going to a summer school in Washington and will do an internship there afterwards so I am planning to stay there for a long term.