Überprüfung von Bewerbungsschreiben Universität

[Chillkroete]

Hallo, bewerbe mich gerade für ein Masterstudium und wollte euch bitten das Schreiben gegenzulesen Vielen Dank schonmal!

Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to introduce myself as a proper candidate for the Finance Master programme at the Trinity College in Dublin and illustrate my motivation in detail. I deem the Master of Finance programme at the Trinity College in Dublin to be the best choice to prepare for a career in the Financial Industry.
Over the years I developed a strong affinity with business related topics starting with an intensive course of business and economics in my high school in xyz. Since then my interest in business and finance continuously developed and therefore I began to study Business Administration at the University of xyz.
In the last two semesters of my undergraduate programme I focused on financial topics - especially capital markets. After graduating in March 2013, it was clear to me to enrol in a Master programme in Finance for I want to start a career in the Finance industry. I received my Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration and Economics with the overall grade of 1.7, I am in the top 10% of my year, which makes me very proud.
In my penultimate semester, I took the opportunity to spend a semester abroad at the California State University xyz in the USA in order to broaden my cultural horizon as well as to improve my professional English skills. The semester abroad strengthened my believe that in order to be successful on every work level it is important to engage with different cultures and to work interdisciplinary. This concludes with my passion for visiting other countries and because of the intercultural exchange and the experiences I lived to see I would love to study in the
heterogeneous
community of TCD in a cosmopolitan city like of Dublin.
To improve my practical skills I worked at a student consulting firm as a project member and chief financial officer. In this position I was responsible for the budget management, the accounting and legal affairs. But more important I also had to lead the club, organize the meetings and project. After one year as CFO I we had nearly doubled the revenue of the club; an achievement I am still proud of. The work as a consultant taught me many skills and showed me the importance of an excellent both theoretical but also practical skill set. Because of that I successfully completed an Internship at the DAX Konzern among other Internships. On top of that I am currently working as an intern at an Investment bank in Frankfurt am Main, Germany which focuses on equity capital markets, IPOs, designated sponsoring and research. These topics are the ones I want to further deepen at the School of Business at TCD.
After my graduation I aim for a position in a bank or a globally acting industrial company close to the Financial sector. I am sure the outstanding programme at TCD will further increase my skills and competencies in order to fulfil my future job at its best and to be prepared for the challenges in the Financial industry.

The TCD, with its many postgraduate programs is the best choice for me because of the excellent academic education, the international appeal and the outstanding reputation. But even more, I admire the liberal thinking and thought this university tries to convey its students. I think this is crucial for our society and the individual in order to be successful in any regard. Therefore I would be proud to become an honourable member of this over 400 year old dignified community.In return for giving me the chance to complete the outstanding programme at the TCD, I will fully commit my analytical skills and personality to the university!
If you have any further questions I am always at your disposal. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely

[Delfino]

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to introduce myself, my name is ..., and I am hereby applying for the MSc in Finance at the Trinity College in Dublin. I deem your Masters course to be the best choice to prepare for my future career in the financial industry.

Over the years I developed a strong affinity with business related topics starting with an intensive course of business and economics in my high school. Since then my interest in business and finance intensified, and lead me to study Business Administration at the University of ... in ..., Germany. During the last two semesters of my undergraduate course I focused on financial topics - especially capital markets. This helped me to confirm my decision to continue my education with a Master in Finance, because I want to start my career in the finance industry. In March 2013 I received my Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration and Economics with the overall grade of 1.7, which places me in the top 10% of my year.

In my penultimate semester, I took the opportunity to spend a semester abroad at the California State University in the USA in order to broaden my cultural horizon as well as to improve my professional English skills. The time abroad strengthened my believe that in order to be successful, it is important to engage with different cultures and to work interdisciplinary. This concludes with my passion for travelling to other countries and participate in cultural exchange. Therefore, I would love to study in the heterogeneous community of TCD in the cosmopolitan city of Dublin.

To improve my practical skills I worked at a student consulting firm as a project member and later on as the Chief Financial Officer. In this position I was responsible for the budget management, the accounting and legal affairs. But more importantly I also had to lead the club, organized the meetings and projects. After one year as CFO, we had nearly doubled the revenue of the club; an achievement I am still proud of. My work as a consultant allowed me to gain many skills (Can you be more specific?) and to experience the importance of combining excellent theoretical knowledge and practical skills.

Afterwards I successfully completed several internships, one of them at the DAX Konzern. Additionally, I am currently working as an intern at ... in Frankfurt am Main, Germany. This investment bank focuses on equity capital markets, IPOs, designated sponsoring and research.
These areas correlate with the topics I plan to focus on at TCD's School of Business.

The TCD, with its many postgraduate programs is the best choice for me, because of the excellent academic education, the international appeal and the outstanding reputation. But even more, I admire the creative and liberal thinking this university instills in its students. I think, this is crucial for our society and the individual in order to be successful in any regard. Therefore, I would be proud to become a member of this over 400 year old dignified community. In return for giving me the chance to complete the outstanding programme at the TCD, I will fully commit my time and analytical skills to studying at the University!

After my graduation from TCD I aim for a position in a bank or a globally acting industrial company close to the financial sector. I am sure the outstanding programme at TCD will further increase my skills and competencies in order to fulfil my future job at its best and to be prepared for the challenges in the financial industry.

If you have any further questions I am always at your disposal.(Aren't you working currently?)
Please feel free to contact me if I can provide you with any further information.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,
...

A few thoughts:

• I'd recommend the use of the precise course title (MSc in Finance)
  as mentioned on their website.
• avoid repetitions (e.g. Trinity College in Dublin)
• financial industry or finance industry, you decide...
  I wouldn't use both in the same text
  What do they use here?
  http://www.tcd.ie/business/masters/finance/
• financial topics - especially capital markets
  you may decide to leave it out or be more specific
• you cannot decide to enrol as you have to receive their offer first
• in general the English prefer to use shorter sentences, so should you...
• "... makes me very proud"
  personal pride might not be a quality they are looking for in their students
• a student consulting firm or a club ?
• doubling the revenue sounds great, my team also did it in the past...
  but people know that a club has a much lower revenue than a consulting firm
  and the fact that you had so many roles at once emphasises the small size
  although you may have lead your team you cannot take all the glory...
• internship is just a noun - unless you use it within a job title
• DAX Konzern is not an English expression
  maybe you can use the company's name...
• honorary degrees are given to famous people,
  not sure what honourable members are ... you could be misunderstood
• as you are referring to a particular university --> University

Please feel free to post your final version for another check-up.

[Chillkroete]

Thank you for your input I took some of the advice and treid to make it better; feel free to comment

Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to introduce myself as a proper candidate for the MSc in Finance at the Trinity College in Dublin and illustrate my motivation in detail. My name is xyz and I deem your Masters course to be the best choice to prepare for my future career in the financial industry.

Over the years I developed a strong affinity with business related topics starting with an intensive course of business and economics in my high school in Bavaria, Germany. Since then my interest in business and finance intensified, and led me to study Business Administration at the University of xyz in Germany.
During the last two semesters of my undergraduate course I focused on financial topics - especially equity capital markets. I believe that it is the best decision to continue my education with a Master in Finance, because I want to start my career in the Financial Industry. In March 2013 I received my Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration and Economics with the overall grade of 1.7, which places me in the top 10% of my year.
In my penultimate semester, I took the opportunity to spend a semester abroad at the California State University of xyz in the USA in order to broaden my cultural horizon as well as to improve my professional English skills. The time abroad strengthened my belief that in order to be successful on every work level it is important to engage with different cultures and to work interdisciplinary. This concludes with my passion for traveling to other countries and to participate in cultural exchange. Therefore, I would love to study in theheterogeneous
community of TCD in the cosmopolitan city of Dublin.
To improve my practical skills I worked at a student consulting firm as a project member and later on as Chief Financial Officer. In this position I was responsible for the budget management, the accounting and legal affairs. But more importantly I also had to lead the club, organized the meetings and projects. After one year as CFO we had nearly doubled the revenue of the club; an achievement I am still proud of. My work as a consultant allowed me to gain many skills and to experience the importance of combining excellent theoretical knowledge and practical skills. Afterwards I successfully completed several Internships, one of them at the DAX enterprise Allianz SE. Additionally I am currently working as an intern at the BankM in Frankfurt am Main, Germany. This investment bank focuses on equity capital markets, IPOs, designated sponsoring and research. These areas correlate with the topics I plan to focus on at the TCD’s Business of Business.
After my graduation from TCD I aim for a position in a bank or a globally acting industrial company close to the financial sector. I am sure the outstanding programme at TCD will further increase my skills and competencies in order to fulfil my future job at its best and to be prepared for the challenges in the financial industry.

The TCD, with its many postgraduate programs is the best choice for me because of the excellent academic education, the international appeal and the outstanding reputation. But even more, I admire the creative and liberal thinking this university instils in its students. I think this is crucial for our society and the individual in order to be successful in any regard. Therefore I would be proud to become an honest member of this over 400 year old dignified community.In return for giving me the chance to complete the outstanding programme at the TCD, I will fully commit my time, analytical skills and personality to studying at the University!
If you have any further questions I am always at your disposal. I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,

[Delfino]

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to introduce myself as a proper candidate for the MSc in Finance
at the Trinity College in Dublin and illustrate my motivation in detail. My name is ...,
and I deem your Masters course to be the best choice to prepare me for my future career
in the financial industry.

Over the years I developed a strong affinity with business related topics starting with
an intensive course of business and economics in my high school in Bavaria, Germany.
Since then my interest in business and finance intensified, and led me to study
Business Administration at the University of ... in Germany. During the last two semesters
of my undergraduate course I focused on financial topics - especially equity capital markets.

I decided to continue my education with a Master in Finance, because I want to start my career
in the financial industry. In March 2013 I received my Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration
and Economics with the overall mark of 1.7, which places me in the top 10% of my year.
In my penultimate semester, I took the opportunity to spend a semester abroad at the California
State University of ... in the USA in order to broaden my cultural horizon as well as to improve my
professional English skills. The time abroad strengthened my belief that in order to be successful
on every work level, it is important to engage with different cultures and to work interdisciplinary.
This concludes with my passion for travelling to other countries and to participate in cultural exchange.
Therefore, I would love to study in the heterogeneous community of TCD in the cosmopolitan city of Dublin.

To improve my practical skills I worked at a student consulting firm as a project member and later on
as Chief Financial Officer. In this position I was responsible for the budget management, the accounting
and legal affairs. But more importantly I also had to lead the club, to chair our meetings and to manage the projects.
After one year as CFO we had nearly doubled the revenue of the club; an achievement I am still proud of.
My work as a consultant allowed me to gain many skills and to experience the importance of combining
excellent theoretical knowledge and practical skills. Afterwards I successfully completed several internships,
one of them at the DAX company Allianz SE. Additionally, I am currently working as an intern at the BankM
in Frankfurt am Main, Germany. This investment bank focuses on equity capital markets, IPOs, designated
sponsoring and research. These areas correlate with the topics I plan to focus on at the TCD’s School of Business.

The TCD, with its many postgraduate programs is the best choice for me because of the excellent academic education,
the international appeal and the outstanding reputation. But even more, I admire the creative and liberal thinking
this university instils in its students. I think this is crucial for our society and the individual in order to be successful
in any regard. Therefore, I would be proud to become a member of this over 400 year old dignified community.
In return for giving me the chance to join the outstanding programme at the TCD, I will fully commit my time and
analytical skills to studying at the University!

After my graduation from TCD I aim for a position in a bank or a globally acting industrial company
close to the financial sector. I am sure the outstanding programme at TCD will further increase my skills
and competencies in order to be prepared for the challenges in the financial industry.

If you have any further questions I am always at your disposal.
I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,
...

May I kindly recommend you to use the "Ändern" button to fix the issues in your post
as a result of copy and paste. Please always include ... where you removed content.
Nobody likes to correct the same mistake twice.
Therefore, may I also suggest to continue your work using the corrected version and not your original text
to avoid missing corrections or creating mistakes in the process of implementing the changes.

You are free to stick with some of the phrases that are only found on websites created by Germans.
e.g. "I would like to introduce myself as a proper candidate for..."
Although they do not sound great to me.

- use your name when you introduce yourself
- avoid capitalisation of words that are just nouns
- a student consulting firm with projects and a club ?
- all students are expected to follow the ethic guidelines of the university (honest behaviour is implied)
- you are applying - not haggling (in return...)
- How do you commit your personality to a university? Sell your soul?

[Chillkroete]

How can I change posts? I cant find the button. Legally ist a club (e.V.) but we're earning money there.

Hmm i cant change the older posts just this one...

[Delfino]

Legally it's a club (e.V.), but we're earning money there.
Do you think the reader gets a good picture from what you wrote,
and does he really need to know the legal status?

How can I change posts? I can't find the button.
Hmm, I can't change the older posts just this one...

You can only change your post within 20 minutes of its publication,
but you can also use the 'Vorschau' button to see how it would look
before you publish it using the 'Absenden' button.

Otherwise it would be hard to track what the current version is when correcting...