Hilfe bei Textkorrektur

[Jurado18]

Hi Leute,
also ich weiß, worüber wir unsere Englischarbeit schreiben. Ich hab jetzt auch schon die Aufgabe, jetzt muss ich "nur" noch einen guten Text schreiben. Ich bin nicht gut in Englisch, also wäre nett, wenn jemand meinen Text verbessern/korrigieren könnte. (möglichst schnell) (;

Die Aufgabe:

Community service for everybody?

Everyvody should have to do 12 months of community service after leaving school.
Write a text of at least 200 words on this topic. Your text should include the following points:
- arguments for and against
- examples to support your arguments
- your personal opinion

Das hier ist mein Versuch:

Community service is a good thing, but in Germany it's now voluntary.
So there is the question, if everybody should have to do 12 months of community service after leaving school.

On the one hand you can help people, when you for example do community service in a rest home. You can make the
people smile and get job experience. You learn responsibility, you have the feeling of beeing needed, the handling of human. What do you want more? Besides you are social, this is very good if you want to apply for a job.

But on the other hand you maybe don't like the work or don't want to. After leaving school you don't have many time, because a studium or work. If you do one
year community service you so to speak lose one year, which you better had used for training. And the job experience would you also get, if you would make a training.Finally the worst thing at community service is, that you don't become money and you need money after leaving school.

To come to a conclusion there are better arguments against community service for 12 months after leaving school. In my opinion you can get the experience in
12 months of community service also, if you make a training, or not? And then you don't become money, so you can better make a training then do community service.

[Jefferson1992]

Community service is a good thing, but in Germany it's voluntary now.
So there is the question, if everybody have/has to do 12 months of community service after leaving school.

On the one hand you can help people, if you, for example, do community service in a rest home. You can make the
people smile and gain job experience. You learn to undertake responsibility, you have the feeling of being needed, because you have to take care of human beings. What do you want more? Besides you are social, this is very good, if you want to apply for a job.

But on the other hand you maybe don't like the work or don't want to. After leaving school you don't have much time, because of studying or working. If you do
community service for one year you lose this year which you could better use for apprenticeship. (you so to speak lose one year, which you better had used for training)?. And you can actually gain job experience by doing an apprenticeship.Finally the worst thing of community service is, that you don't earn money, but you need money after leaving school.(for?)

To come to a conclusion there are stronger arguments against community service for 12 months after leaving school. In my opinion you can gain the experience in
12 months of community service also, if you make an apprenticeship, don't you? And then you earn money, so I prefer doing an apprenticeship.


Good evening Jurado18,


I tried to correct all of your mistakes. Maybe I didn't find all of them.
Your arguments are quite strong, but try to argue more and find some more strong arguments.


Attention:
Ausbildung - apprenticeship


Greetings


Chris

[Keswick (Contributor)]

Korrekturen in GRUEN

Community service is a good thing, but in Germany it's voluntary now.
So there is the question, what if everybody had to do 12 months of community service after leaving school ?
On the one hand you can help people, if you, for example, do community service in a elderly care home. You can make the
people smile and gain job experience. You learn to take responsibility, you have the feeling of being needed, because you have to look after people. What do you want more? Apart from that you are being social, which is very good, if you want to apply for a job.
But on the other hand you maybe don't like the work or don't want to. After leaving school you don't have much time, because of studying or working. If you do community service for one year you would lose this year - a full year which you could better used for an apprenticeship or further education. (you so to speak lose one year, which you better had used for training)?. And you can actually gain job experience by doing an apprenticeship. (I think this statement is unnecessary, since you mentioned above that by doing 12 months community service you would gain work experience as well. Both argument cancel each other out) . Finally the worst thing of community service is, that you don't earn money, but you need money after leaving school.(for?)
To come to a conclusion there are stronger arguments against community service for 12 months after leaving school than there are for 12 month community service. In my opinion you can gain the experience in 12 months of community service also, if you do an apprenticeship, don't you? (See above) And then you can earn money, so I prefer doing an apprenticeship.
Good evening Jurado18,


I tried to correct all of your mistakes. Maybe I didn't find all of them.
Your arguments are quite strong, but try to argue more and find some more stronger arguments.

Hello. I think you are off to a good start, Jurado18, however, I would avoid using money and experience as the only argument for and against community service. I think one vital aspect is that in 12 months time you learn a lot about a certain field of work, and might not be able to carry on with this job after the 12 months, even if you wanted to. Also, I think a community service might or might not be limited to certain professions.. for example medical/social. What if you have no talent for either medical or social work? You see, there are some more aspects to community work that you might want to think about. Other than that, not a bad text.

Attention:
Ausbildung - apprenticeship


Greetings


Chris

[tiorthan]

Ich schreibe jetzt mal nicht in den Text rein sonst sieht das noch aus wie ein Regenbogen.

On the one hand you can help people, if

Wenn ein If-Satz seinem Hauptsatz folgt, dann kommt kein Komma. Nach einem einleitenden Adverbiale wie "on the one hand" sollte aber ein Komma stehen.

You learn to take responsibility, you have the feeling ...

Hier würde ich kein Komma setzen sondern zwei getrennte Sätze draus machen.

a full year which you could better used

Ich würde sagen hier fehlt noch ein be?

In my opinion you can gain the experience in 12 months of community service also, if you do an apprenticeship, don't you?

Ich würde das also hinter das can schieben und das Komma vor dem if weglassen.

[Keswick (Contributor)]

Ich schreibe jetzt mal nicht in den Text rein sonst sieht das noch aus wie ein Regenbogen.

On the one hand you can help people, if

Wenn ein If-Satz seinem Hauptsatz folgt, dann kommt kein Komma. Nach einem einleitenden Adverbiale wie "on the one hand" sollte aber ein Komma stehen. -- danke!

You learn to take responsibility, you have the feeling ...

Hier würde ich kein Komma setzen sondern zwei getrennte Sätze draus machen.  -- gute Idee!

a full year which you could better used

Ich würde sagen hier fehlt noch ein be? -- in der Tat!

In my opinion you can gain the experience in 12 months of community service also, if you do an apprenticeship, don't you?

Ich würde das also hinter das can schieben und das Komma vor dem if weglassen.

Kommasetzung ist nicht meins, daher verlasse ich mich da ganz auf dich

[tiorthan]

Naja ich kenne auch nur einige ganz rudimentäre Regeln meistens setze ich die auch gerne falsch nach Gefühl.