Bewerbung auf Englisch - bitte kontrollieren :D

[domi1]

Hey!
Bin gerade dabei eine Bewerbung auf Englisch zu schreiben, da ich nächstes Jahr ein Praktikum in L.A. machen will. Wäre echt super wenn jemand den Text auf Fehler kontrollieren oder mir sogar Tipps geben könnte, wie die Bewerbung am Besten rüber kommen würde.

Vielen Dank im Vorraus



Dear Mr …

My Name is xx xx, I am from Austria and I am very interested in applying for an internship in your architectural office.

Following my education at a secondary collage for construction and design, I spent nine months working for A.R. Architects in Innsbruck, Austria. Since September 2010 I have been studying architecture at the University of Vienna. During my studies, I have the opportunity to gather further experience at B.S. Architects, where I work twice a week and in my holydays.

To get first international experience, I would like to do a two-to-six-month internship, beginning in July or August 2012 in your office in Los Angeles. I am certain I would learn a lot, while supporting your team.

As a native German speaker my English language and communication skills are very good. I have my own health and accident insurance and take care of the formalities for the M J-1 visa, which entitles me to work legally in the United States as an intern.

The enclosed CV / resume elaborates on the details of my skills and experience.

I would welcome the opportunity to talk with you.

Best wishes,

[Delfino]

Dear Mr Zzz,

My Name is Xx Xx, I am from Austria and I am very interested in applying for an internship in your architectural office.

Following my education at a secondary college for construction and design, I spent nine months working for A.R. Architects in Innsbruck, Austria.
Since September 2010 I have been studying Architecture at the University of Vienna.
During my studies, I use the opportunity to gain further experience at B.S. Architects, where I work twice a week and in my holydays.

To get first (more) experience internationally, I would like to do a 2 - 6 months internship, beginning in July or August 2012 in your office in Los Angeles.
I am certain I would learn a lot, while supporting your team.

Although I am native German speaker my English language and communication skills are very good.
I have my own health and accident insurance and will take care of the formalities for the M J-1 visa, which will entitle me to work legally as an intern in the USA.

The enclosed CV / resume elaborates on the details of my skills and experience.

I would welcome the opportunity to talk with you.

Best wishes,
...

You don't need to put every sentence in a new line,
but it's easier to check and allows you to realise how long some sentences are.

you are very interested in an internship and not in applying...

A collage is a work of art.

Architecture is the title of your course, right?

first you don't want to hightlight that you don't have any previous international experience

2 - 6 months numbers are easier to read and plural


You might want to emphasise some special skills and not just refer to your CV.