relief.06 hat geschrieben:Hallo, ich hoffe ihr habt die Kurzgeschichte "Just along for the ride" von Dennis Kurumada gelesen.
(Jo, jetzt schon!) Ich habe darüber einen Tagebucheintrag aus der Sicht des Erzählers geschrieben. Würde mich über eine Korrektur sehr freuen.
Danke im Voraus
Hi relief, dann wollen wir mal!
Dear diary,
today
was the worst day of my life.
I was out with the boys: Dick, Phil, Reid and Steve. We were just driving around in Dick's car, really boring it was, nothing to do and cold. But then we made a big mistake. It was Phil’s idea! I was against it! He said to drive up to somebody and flatten him. They all thought it would be great fun and they didn’t listen to me. We looked for a victim and then it happened. We drove up slowly and Steve opened the door really fast and hit the guy. But somehow the car swerved and he was hurled over our roof. I saw his face. It was Ken, my friend Ken Benjamin. I told Dick to stop the car but he didn’t. They all thought we would get away with it. Nobody had seen us, they said. But there was this car following us all the time. I was so scared and kept saying in my head "hit and run". But then the car was suddenly gone and I went home. I couldn't sleep, I was so scared. I couldn't stand to listen to the news. I was frightened they would speak about Ken. Dick was wrong, we had to put this mistake right.I couldn’t live with this guilt, so I went to talk to Ken's mom. I told her about what we had done and apologized. When I came home, the boys were all there in the sitting room. They said he wasn't badly hurt. They will not understand me but although my friends are mad at me, I feel better.
OK, ich gebe zu, ich habe ziemlich am Stil rumgebastelt, da musst Du Dir raussuchen, was Dir gefällt. Allerdings hattest Du auch inhaltlich ein paar Kleinigkeiten nicht ganz richtig dargestellt. Habe ich korrigiert. Als Anhaltspunkt für solche Hausaufgaben ist es ganz wichtig, dass man sich überlegt, in welchem Sprachstil ein Mensch in sein Tagebuch schreibt. Die Antwort ist: eher emotional, besonders, wenn es um solche Sachen wie schlechtes Gewissen usw. geht. Also den Ton ruhig etwas anpassen. Das gibt Pluspunkte in der B-Note!
Good luck says
Duckduck
. 